Fun With Abbreviations

You see, we EMS folks like to apply numerical grades in a vain attempt to quantify stuff, including that which cannot really be quantified. Like the 0-10 pain scale, for instance.

From burns to liver injuries, edema to diaphoresis, heart blocks to intracranial bleeds, we use numbers to classify the severity of a problem. Generally speaking, the higher the number, the more severe the condition.

So, based on that premise, “PMS x 4” in this report would indicate a really, really bitchy female patient*. Modern medicine prefers the term premenstrual dysphoric disorder to describe this degree of PMS, but only because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Prehospital treatment in such cases is usually supportive, and is aimed toward counseling the involved spouse to administer liberal doses of chocolate and repeated screenings of Hope Floats until symptoms resolve. For cases refractory to conventional therapy, reverse isolation may be effective.

Limit contact with the PMDD sufferer in question. The presence of beer, NFL football, farting, toilet seats left up, and statements like “Whaddafuck is your problem???” have been shown to aggravate the symptoms of PMDD, often resulting in physical harm to the male spouse in question.

*Um, not really what it stands for.