Skip to content

Archives for ems-system-abuse

See all posts in the network tagged with ems-system-abuse

Overheard On The Bolance

6 comments

Dispatch Drone: "Head quarters to Borg Cube 69."

Ambulance Driver: "Go for 69."

DD: "69, we need you to respond to Fydallo Ho Expressway eastbound near the Chili's, red Chevy Silverado pickup pulled over in the emergency lane with his hazard lights on. 38-year-old male with a spider bite."

[sounds of AD banging his head against the dash]

AD: "Aaahhh, Dispatch, could you repeat your traffic? That came through kinda garbled."

DD: "Fydallo Ho Expressway, eastbound,  at mile marker 29. Red Chevy Silverado pickup, driver says he's – "

AD: "Um, yeah, Dispatch. Guess you weren't garbled after all. 69 responding to the emergent spider bite pulled over one mile from the hospital."

[more sounds of AD banging his head against the dash, whimpering in despair for the human species]

*** five minutes later ***

DD: "69, you can cancel your call. Patient says he's gonna try to make it on to the hospital himself."

AD: "I'm sure it'll be an ordeal, but here's hoping he makes it alive, Dispatch. Godspeed to you, Spider Bite Man, Godspeed…"

Post to Twitter Tweet This Post

Posted by on August 8, 2011 • Filed under: Chronic Empathy Deficiency, EMS System Abuse, Humor

EMS Axiom #54: Inverse Rule of Bullshit History

2 comments

The longer and more convoluted the patient history leading up to the traumatic event, the more trivial the injury, and the shorter the patient's ED stay will be.

Example: If your patient has been stabbed, and when asked, "So dude, show me where you're hurt," replies with a windy narrative that begins five years ago about his ex-girlfriend's cousin Mookie who just got out of jail for beatin' on his babymomma while he was on the the pipe and now he out and causin' all sorta ruckus…

… there is a 95% probability your patient's stab wound can be covered with a Bandaid, and he will be discharged from the Emergency Department before you finish your run report.

Post to Twitter Tweet This Post

Posted by on June 26, 2011 • Filed under: EMS System Abuse

You Know He’s a Frequent Flier* When:

26 comments

You arrive on the scene for the unconscious male lying in the roadway, cruise slowly past the police cars blocking traffic, and without even getting out of your ambulance, you roll down the window and bark, “Leon! Get your ignorant ass outta the road! Someone runs over you, you might damage a perfectly good car!”

And not only does Leon obediently cease being an impediment to traffic flow, he also hobbles meekly to your ambulance and climbs aboard. You should have seen the face of the cops who called us.

Yes, Leon is a patient we transport all the time, and yes, that’s exactly how the call went down.

And no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him that about 220 grains of Trepanazine wouldn’t fix.

*Of course, The Borg frowns on us referring to such people as frequent fliers. Rather, they’re valued repeat customers, which everyone knows are the foundation to a successful business.

Post to Twitter Tweet This Post

Posted by on March 9, 2010 • Filed under: EMS System Abuse, Frequent Fliers, Humor, Uncategorized
Vote for me! Click Here

Polarized sunglasses, Flashlights, and Hiking boots.