Patient: “I don’t want to go to no hospital. I ain’t got no ride home. I’ll just go stay in my neighbor’s trailer tonight.”

Deputy: “The medics just told you one of those cuts might need a couple stitches. Ain’t there somebody you can call to give you a ride home from the hospital?

Patient: “There would be, if I could find my cell phone. Muhfucka threw it somewhere ‘long with all them bottles he throwed at me.”

Ambulance Driver: “There’s a cell phone right there next to you on the sofa, Ma’am. Problem solved.”

Patient: “That’s my government phone. It only calls 911.”

Ambulance Driver: “Wait, you have a government-supplied cell phone, and a personal cell phone? That you, like, pay money for?”

Patient: “Yeah.”

Deputy (disgusted): “Remind me why my taxes are higher this year? Something about needing more revenue to fund essential government programs?”

If you are 25 years old, with no appreciable health history…

… and you’ve been sleeping in an awkward position for several hours…

… and the limb you’ve been sleeping on is numb and tingling when you finally awake…

… you are not having a stroke.

You most certainly are an idiot, and quite possibly a candidate for forced sterilization to prevent you from further contaminating the gene pool and raising a passel of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, booger-eating cretins that bear a strong familial resemblance to yourself…

… but you are not having a stroke.

Although now I am.

Protip: If you have imbibed a bit too much of the spirits, and you pass out naked in bed, whereupon you suddenly realize you are about to lose control of your bowels and bladder like a veritable Vesuvius of feces…

… then the place to run is the bathroom. The. Bathroom.

Whatever happens, do not – I beg of you, do not – run around your apartment like the flight of the shit bumblebee, and then hasten to the farthest reaches of said apartment, hastily pulling on your clothes while you are still erupting.

If you do, expect that neither will I be sympathetic to your plight, nor the slightest bit inclined to help you clean up.

Then again, perhaps I’m expecting too much of someone who thinks it’s appropriate to call 911 when they have the tequila splatters.

I think the next seizure faker I get, I'm going to gather the EMS crews and ED staff around to hold up little score cards for when she comes out of her "seizure." (wink wink, nudge nudge)

Only problem is, no one has yet devised a scoring system. Should there be compulsory elements, like in figure skating? Maybe we could require a minimum of three compulsory elements to be chosen from a list; urinary incontinence, genuine-appearing postictal state, non-purposeful movement, a tonic phase that does not include flopping around like a fish, eyes open…

Ooh, oooh, then we could add style elements!

We could add or deduct points for the style and panache of the seizure routine, and how dedicated they were in playing their role! Then our color commentator and analyst could break down her performance for the untutored boyfriend / family / arresting officer the faker was trying to impress:

Announcer: "Johnny, was it just my imagination, or was this routine not up to Latwanda's usual performance standards?"

Color Commentator: "No, it wasn't your imagination, Roy. Not the level of malingering and attention-seeking we've come expect from Latwanda Jenkins at all this season, Roy. She'll be lucky to get bronze in this competition."

Announcer: "So what went wrong, Johnny? It looked to me like she got her minimum three compulsory elements, but the style just wasn't there."

Color Commentator: "You're absolutely right, Roy, she phoned this one in – a really perfunctory performance. But if you look closer, she didn't get all of her compulsories. If we roll back the tape here; there's the urinary incontinence, and there's the non-purposeful movement, and… see that, Roy? Right there! The paramedic leans down and whispers something in her ear in mid-seizure, and her eyes snap open and it's obvious she's fully aware of what's going on around her, Roy!

Announcer: "That look in her eyes would cut glass, John. I've never seen such a look of pure hatred in a competitor."

Color Commentator: "That's Ambulance Driver, Roy. He brings it out in them. Whatever it is he says to them, it really throws them off their game. She's got to hope the judges missed that. It was only a split second, but enough to sink her chances at getting into the medal round."

Announcer: "And what a shame that would be, John. She was Methamphetamine Acres Trailer Park's best shot at a medal this year, after being shut out the last four games."

Color Commentator: "Meth Acres has fallen on hard times indeed, Roy, but she had all the ingredients in place for a bravura performance tonight; a sympathetic family, a rookie cop, a boyfriend she's fighting with, a big crowd of drunken onlookers, and a brand-new EMT on the ambulance. You couldn't ask for a more favorable audience. She just didn't get it done."

Announcer: "A rookie EMT with Ambulance Driver as her partner, John. Let's not forget that."

Color Commentator: "And that's the only thing I can think of that could have derailed her performance, Roy. He shakes up a lot of competitors in this competition, and he's a harsh judge, but if you aspire to be a world class faker, you gotta get by the Ambulance Driver. Let's look at the tape again while we wait for the judges to tabulate their scores… Look at that, Roy. That's not even really good foaming at the mouth. It's… it's almost spitting, and that's dangerously close to – "

Announcer: " – Purposeful movement, John. Good eye, catching that. It also looked like her eyes were closed the entire time, too. If you really want to sell a seizure act, you gotta keep those eyes open."

Color Commentator: "Exactly, Roy. And when he did manage to pry her eyes open, she moved her eyes every which way to avoid the penlight. Rookie mistake there, Roy, really rookie mistake."

Announcer: "And here are the scores… and that's a 5.0 from the ER Tech…"

Color Commentator: "She's an inexperienced judge, Roy. That was way too generous a score."

Announcer: "… and a 3.5 from the ER doc… 2.0 from the triage nurse…"

Color Commentator: "Those triage nurses are brutal, Roy. They are not easy to impress."

Announcer: " … and a 2.5 from the charge nurse… 3.0 from the pharmacy tech… and, wow, only a 1.5 from the admissions clerk! That's gotta hurt!"

Color Commentator: "And rounding it out with a 2.5 from the Ambulance Driver, Roy. After we throw out the high and low scores, that's… 3.2 composite, Roy. That's not gonna be enough to get her into the medal round."

Announcer: "And a huge disappointment for Latwanda Jenkins at the 2011 Malingerer Games. She'll have to wait until 2015 for her shot at redemption, John. The folks back home at Methamphetamine Acres have got to be heartbroken…"

Yep, definitely need a good scoring system, but once we iron out the kinks, this might be as entertaining as the Blood Alcohol Betting Pool, don't ya think?