First two 911 calls of the night:
1. Caterpillar sting.After I informed the patient that the Emergency Department was all out of caterpillar antivenin, he decided that the measures he had taken thus far (wash with warm soapy water, apply Scotch tape, apply ice pack) would probably keep the Grim Reaper at bay a little longer. And it’s a good thing, too. It was touch-and-go there for a minute.
2. Vaginal bleeding. Poor dear, she’s been bleeding from the vagina for two days. 36 years old, no chance of pregnancy or miscarriage.
When was her last menstrual period? Glad you asked!
It started two days ago.
This keeps happening to her, like, every 28 days or so. It’s almost like it’s on a cycle or something!
And no, I only wish I were making these up.
Edited to add: Just had a patient with Tachylawdia with bigeminal PJC’s and intermittent Amens, alternating with periods of peaceful slumber until she notices once again that she has an attentive audience. Then she cranks the drama to eleven again.
Been a while since I had one of those.
*The third part of the saying is, “… and thwarting natural selection at every turn.”
Heavy emphasis on the third part tonight.