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What Gun For a Girl, and the Combat Mindset

22 comments

It's a question debated ad nauseum on the gun blogs and shooter forums, and the answers are as varied as the individuals asking the question.

I recently had opportunity to answer the question myself, when an ex-girlfriend emailed me, asking for advice on purchasing a handgun. Seems she had acquired an unwelcome suitor -not quite the creepy stalker type, but ardent enough that his attentions became unwelcome, and started her thinking about self-defense.

"I wanna buy a gun," she told me. "Which one should I get?"

She might as well have asked me, "Do you still beat your wife?" or "Have you ever been caught masturbating in the closet?"

There's no right way to answer those questions.

I gave her the advice I give to most new shooters -male or female – with that question: Shoot a bunch of different pistols, and choose whichever one you like and shoot best, with the following three caveats:

  • 1. Snubnosed revolvers are for experienced shooters, not beginners.
  • 2. If anyone tries to steer you toward a specific type of gun to the exclusion of all others, ignore that person's advice and get away from the supposed "expert" as quickly as possible..
  • 3. Don't get anything less than a .380.

Turns out a co-worker had already taken her shooting, and she came away with a couple of impressions: she didn't like the .45 at all, and she much preferred the .22 she shot. After a little more talking, I learned that instruction by her coworker had been pretty much nonexistent; he had pretty much given her a polymer-framed .45, pointed her downrange, and told her to squeeze off a few rounds – one handed, no less. Unsurprisingly, she found the .45 very heavy to hold, and the recoil unpleasant.

Obviously, more shooting was needed, and instruction from someone other than her coworker. So, we made plans to take her to the range this weekend, after which we'd go to the gun show and let her pick out a gun. I'd bring up all my handguns, maybe rent a couple more, and we'd let her try everything from a .22 LR single action revolver to my 1911 in .45 ACP.

"Do you have something that has a hole in the muzzle that looks like a .45, but kicks like a .22?" she asked, jokingly. "I want the scariest gun possible."

To which I replied, of course, "You don't pull a gun to scare someone. You pull a gun to shoot someone. If you're not willing to pull the trigger, you might as well just give the mugger your gun and save him the trouble of taking it from you."

"Oh, I'm not going to shoot anybody. I don't think I could kill a person."

Whoa. Full stop.

If you haven't already done that mental self-assessment and unequivocally answered the question about where your particular line is drawn, under what circumstances you'd take a life, the answer to the question, "What gun should I buy?" can only be, "No gun at all."

"What if someone took your purse at knifepoint?" I asked her.

"I don't carry much in my purse anyway. He could have it."

"So you'd let him have your purse, with your driver's license, credit cards, house keys, everything?"

"Sure, all of that can be replaced. Lives can't."

"So it wouldn't bother you at all that someone who'd take your property by threat of violence, now knows your address and has access to your home? Not to mention everything he needs to steal your identity?"

"Uuuhhh…"

"What if he's pissed that your purse only has eight bucks in it, and forces you to drive him to the ATM for more? What then?"

"Yeah, but how likely is – "

"We're talking about a guy who has demonstrated that he is willing to kill you to get what he wants. What makes you so sure he wouldn't?"

"Okay, so I'd probably drive him to the ATM."

"And if he decided that he'd like to have your car, too? And that it'd be a lot less risky if he didn't leave any witnesses? Would you be willing to kill him then?"

"Wow, you really want to shoot someone, don't you?"

"I don't want to shoot anyone, but I'm willing to if necessary."

So you'd kill someone over your wallet? Over a few hundred bucks?"

"If I had to."

"I can't believe you'd shoot someone over a wallet."

"With a smile on my face and a song in my heart."

"I'm just not sure I could kill someone."

"Then rape is okay, as long as you can trust the guy not to kill you afterwards?"

"Now wait a minute, I didn't say that."

"Yes, you did. You're telling me that the threat of violence is acceptable to you, as long as overt violence is avoided. The problem is, you're not making that decision where the line is drawn. Your attacker is."

"I'd never really thought of it that way."

"Until you have, you don't need to carry a gun."

**********

In the end, we decided not to go to the range or the gun show. She's going to buy a Ruger .22/45 for plinking and target practice, and I'll take a day off in the near future and give her some instruction in gun safety and basic marksmanship. She'll keep the gun at home, and in the meantime she'll take a CHL course, and hold off buying a defensive firearm until she has decided for herself just where her line is drawn.

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Posted by on January 11, 2012 • Filed under: 2nd Amendment
  • Marc

    Wow, that is just crazy. 

  • Anonymous

    In what way, Marc?

  • http://twitter.com/amandajustice Amanda Justice

    My father is the first person who took me to the shooting range (and wouldn’t let me shoot at the silhouettes… I think that was partly based on the fact that I’d just been dumped and he didn’t want to tempt me with aiming possibilities).  That changed when I was practicing to qualify to carry — I was a reserve police force member umpty-ump years back.  Then, I had to use the silhouettes.  My point?  Likely none… other than yeah, you nailed it AD.  Carrying a firearm requires, IMO, that your line be firmly in the “I will kill if need be” camp.

  • skidmark

    Thank you, AD, for saving her life.  Maybe you can steer her to our friend Marko’s essay – you know, the one that Major Caudill plagerized?  Or maybe Kipling’s passage when Mogli gets a “man-tooth”.  How’s that saying go?  “I don’t want to have to kill you, but if you take away all the other options it’s still on the list.”

    Some folks agonize over the moral dilema before arriving at their answer.  Others seem to come to it intuitively.  But everyone ought to know what their answer is.

    stay safe.

  • skidmark

    I think I understand why you say that – because I’ll bet you made your decision intiuitively.  It can be difficult, then, to understand why everyone else cannot see the answer as easily and clearly.  I’m guessing AD’s friend never actually thought about it before.

    stay safe.

  • Eric

    when someone figures out how to give me back the time that I used to make the money I have, so I can instead spend it with my daughter, then I will willingly hand over things I earned to other people.

  • CombatDoc

    Very well said…
     
    The scary thought is how many people are carrying the weapons that have never really let the responsibility and potential impact of their decisions sink in. 

  • Evyl Robot Michael

    Good for you AD!  Introducing an adult to the concept of a defensive killing is harder than having the ‘Birds and bees’ talk with a kid.  Sounds like you handled it well.

  • Robert Garrard

    People who think a gun is for bluffing are playing a dangerous game.  If you aren’t willing to cause pain or death, you shouldn’t even consider pulling out a weapon in self-defense.

  • TBeck

    Of course I wouldn’t kill a man over the contents of a purse.  I’d stop him from threatening a person to accomplish his desires.

  • Amanda Laugerman

    Now THAT was a great perspective. Thanks.

  • Baccck

    Please have her watch all the episodes of ‘I Survived’ on both Hulu and on the bio channel that she can find. These are stories of real people who more often than not survived despite being complete victims with the only goal of calling 911.  If after a few episodes she still thinks that fighting back from the beginning is wrong then she doens’t need a gun.

  • Anonymous

    Good points all AD… and good drawing out of her feelings!

  • Astarte

    In case you haven’t pointed her towards the book already, I highly recommend Kathy Jackson’s The Cornered Cat.  She does a wonderful job of discussing issues just like this.

  • http://www.stuckinmassachusetts.blogspot.com/ JayG

    AD,

    Excellent post, and good on you for helping to (hopefully) set someone straight. I’ve had similar talks with folks who have asked that minefield question – “What’s the best gun to carry?” (and, really, it doesn’t matter much if it’s for a man or a woman).

    The *first* question the potential CCW holder should ask themselves is “Am I willing to drop the hammer on another human being?” If they cannot answer “yes” to that question, then they need to consider another method of defense. Hesitation will get you killed.

    The problem is that thinking about the answer to that question is unpleasant. We’re wired to not want to take the lives of other members of our species (as a general rule; there are the psychopathic outliers). It’s not something that you can train for; it either happens or it doesn’t. If you have any notion that you might not be able to do it, then reassess your defensive plan.

    Keep us posted – she sounds like she might be amenable to reason…

  • http://polykahr-standingby.blogspot.com/ PolyKahr

    Very well put, AD.  In response to those who say to give the mugger what he wants, David Codrea has a saying, “But what if what he wants is to kill you?”  For those who haven’t thought it through, saying that to them can start a real searching of the soul.  No doubt it will take some time for your ex to come to the right conclusion, but it sounds like she is on the way.  You have done her a great service.

    To say that someone doesn’t have the capacity to kill is pure hogwash.  Everyone does.  Most will kill to save their own lives, if given a chance.  But it is better to come to that understanding before hand, when you have the leisure to think about the possibilites, and make some kind of plan.

    Regards,
    PolyKahr

  • Elizabeth

    True story: My sister’s friend had just finished carrying all of her Christmas presents in the car after strapping her 18-month old daughter into her car seat.  Drove to the gas station, got out with ATM card, locked the car, pumped the fuel and as soon as she turned to unlock the driver’s door, there was a large fellow with a gun in her chest (she is obviously pregnant) demanding her keys.  She tells him, because her baby is in the car.  He says, “I don’t give a f%$# about your baby, give me your keys, b*&^%!”  She gave him the keys and, just before driving off, threw the baby, in the car seat, across the parking lot.  My sister’s friend lost her purse and car that day, but she almost lost her baby.  Her opinions changed that day, about the capacity of humans to harm on another, and about carrying (and using) a gun.  Hard lesson.

  • Holder

    When I was 10, I had a gun held to my head by a man who had broken in to our house. He ended up shooting my father in the head and chest. He survived, with some serious issues. Ever since I have been very afraid of guns. A  good friend has recently offered to teach me how to shoot. I am going to take him up on it. Taking the 14 year with me.

  • http://www.ambulancedriverfiles.com Ambulance Driver

    Good for you, Holder!

    Respect for guns is a healthy thing, but an unreasoning fear of them only empowers the criminal, not you.

    Let us know how your range trip goes, okay?

  • N3qtrtme

    My first experience with weapons was in the Army where the Drill Sergeants hammer into you, “Shoot, shoot, shoot to kill”.  Range time washed out a few in our company who disagreed with that philosophy, although why they joined the Army expecting not to have to shoot people, I don’t understand.  My CHL is carried with the same thought in mind… besides, dead people don’t sue.   

  • Joe

    Well done, AD.  The shooting community thanks you.

  • Mhouse_1

    I think Marc’s comment about ‘crazy’ is the inability of your friend to grasp the logical consequences of her train of thought. Her inability to process and internalize that Bad People Do Bad Things.  And, I agree with him. It does seem like a mental illness.

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