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More War Story Improv

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This week's story:

"So I'm saying to the guy as I'm bandaging his head, 'So I'm guessing you were sitting here with your homies, drinking a wholesome glass of milk and holding your weekly Bible study, when all of a sudden and for no reason, Sumdood just jumped you, right?"

"Or Mookie," my partner chimes in. "It's always Sumdood or Mookie."

"And dude smells like he's been smoking a blunt in a brewery, and he goes, 'Yeah, man, and I ain't even did nuttin'! And I'm sittin' here bleedin' to death, and the cop's up in my grill, questionin' ME, and next thang I know, I'm on the ground with cuffs on! I ain't did nuttin'!'

"And I go, 'Despite our fondest wishes of your early demise, I doubt you're in danger of exsanguination in the immediate future. And the cops don't just Tase and handcuff people for no reason. So do you care to tell us where else you're injured, or why you're wearing fishnet stockings, a leopard print thong and a leather bustier?"

"And dude goes, 'Man, I ain't gonna lie to you. What had happened wuz…'

Take it away, people…

War Story Improv: The Story Continues

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Last week's War Story Improv began the story:

"So there we were, carefully unscrewing the extension handle while trying not to manipulate the guy too much, and I asked the guy, 'So you were painting your ceiling, and fell off the ladder, lodging the paint roller in your rectum. Ignoring the fact that leaving your roller propped up in the paint tray like that is an excellent way to get runs and drips, do you always paint in the nude?' and the dude said…"

And the winning entry was Christie Hale, who continued with:

"Well, I don't normally paint in the nude, but I got some of that new incense….you know…the kind ya smoke (wink wink)…and as soon as I started smoking, little smurfs came out of the wall and said 'Take your clothes off and paint, Boy!' So, I did. You would have too right?!?"

If I didn't know better, I'd say Christie has been on my ambulance.

You win the Grand Prize, Christie, a 3-night, 2-day stay at the Luther's Rib Shack, Tire Repair and Motor Court in beautiful Ladonia, TX! Enjoy that swingin' Ladonia nightlife!

For You EMS Newbies…

2 comments

… Episode 40 is up on Confessions of an EMS Newbie.

Ron and I discuss copological indicators in hazmat emergencies, pucker factor in needle chest decompression, and the effectiveness of threatened nudity in getting your students to develop situational awareness.

It's Confessions of an EMS Newbie, the only podcast listed as a flammable in the Emergency Response Guide, because we're on fiyah, baby!

If Necessity Is the Mother of Invention…

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… is aggravation the mother of modification?

Surely I'm not the only medic or EMT who ever thought, "Man, if this piece of equipment only had _________ feature, it would be SO much better!"

Back when I was Louisiana's EMS Program Coordinator and providers were bitching about the added expense of stocking ambulances with pediatric-specific euipment, I had the idea to design an integrated adult/pediatric spine board. Of course, lacking venture capital, personal initiative, and faith that spinal immobilization did a damned bit of good, the idea never went anywhere. Last month, at EMS Today in Baltimore, I discovered an Italian company had already capitalized on the idea.
 

Every time I reach for the radio mike while driving hot, I am reminded of my idea for the Perfect Ambulance Steering Wheel TM. One day, probably right after monkeys fly out of my butt, some enterprising ambulance coach manufacturer is going to approach me and ask, "AD, how can we make our product better?"

And I'm going to lean in conspiratorially and sagely reply, "Better steering wheels. Cut me in for 30% and I'll give you my ideas."

The steering wheel in the Tactical Taco has buttons to control the radio volume, station settings, band, and bluetooth controllers for my cell phone. So why can't an ambulance steering wheel have push-to-talk buttons for our PA and radio mikes, an integrated microphone, and control buttons for our siren and primary lighting systems? That way, I'd never have to take my hand off the wheel, or God forbid, my eyes off the road, when running a call.

And while we're on the subject, why can't sirens have a low-power radio transmitter that can broadcast, say 300 feet, and U.S. passenger cars be fitted with stereos that have the proper receivers? Soundproofing is so good in modern vehicles that it can be difficult to hear a siren, and some of these yahoos with the thumping bass wouldn't even notice the Rumbler as it approached.

When my legion of flying monkeys completes my quest for world domination, all U.S. vehicles will have a receiver built into the stereo that, when it receives a signal from my siren, will cut off all other sounds, and drivers will hear my recorded voice over their speakers, "Hey dipshit, put down your friggin' cell phone and check your mirrors. Better yet, slow down and pull to the right."

Okay, maybe I'd record a gentler, more PC warning than that, but I figure, hey, what good is world domination if I still have to be polite to people?

Grandiose dreams of my perfect ambulance in my perfect world aside, there is one thing I'd really like to see done, and it shouldn't be difficult for the product manufacturers to implement: CPAP masks should have a medication port.

A few years back, TOTWTYTR and I had dinner with the manufacturer of the Emergent Portovent CPAP system, and one of the complaints we voiced was that those of us unable to give IV nitroglycerin had to constantly remove the mask to administer sublingual nitro. The mask only does good when it's tightly sealed to the face. Every time we take it off lessens its effectiveness. So why not fit CPAP masks with an MDI port? The guy was intrigued by the idea, and vowed to get right to work on it. Of course, shortly thereafter Emergent was bought out by Bound Tree, and we still have no med port on my favorite CPAP masks. Bummer.

There's already a BVM fitted with such a device:

 

CPAP device manufacturers, are you listening? How hard could this be, guys? All it would take is a little nipple on the mask, similar to the needle-less injection ports on our IV tubing that accept blunt plastic cannulas. Give me something I can poke an applicator wand through, and all I'd have to do to administer nitro is say, "Open wide, Ma'am!" before I give my rattling CHFer a triple-squirt of vasodilatory goodness.

I'm sure CPAP masks aren't the only devices we use daily that could stand a little tweaking, and medics are nothing if not creative problem solvers. How about it, guys? If you could make ONE simple modification to an existing piece of equipment that would make it much better, what would it be?

I invite your comments…

Happy 1911 Day!

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On this day, March 29, 1911, the U.S. Army officially adopted John M. Browning's design for an autoloading .45 pistol as its issue sidearm. 100 years later, it's still going strong.

 

On behalf of me and the Pointer Sisters (pictured above from left: Anita, June and Ruth), have a Happy 1911 Day!

Since Gun-Free Zones Always Work So Well…

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… a few thousand of these posted in strategic locations oughta pretty much put an end to terrorism, right?

Still Trending Down…

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… even if it's only a little.

Today's weigh-in was 331.5, down a mere 0.4 pounds from last week.

But, given how much I indulged myself in Connecticut, I am freakin' ecstatic over that little loss. With all the beer and steak that ran through my system (and garlic mashed potatoes, and bacon, and home fries, and more beer, and…), I really expected to gain a little.

This week, it's back to good habits, and hopefully an even smaller number on the scale next week.

For You EMS Newbies…

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… Ron is on semester break at school, which means that he is spending his time not in a paramedic classroom, but participating in 5k runs (at the blistering pace of a cold pot of honey tipped over) and photographing beautiful, scantily clad women. Nonetheless, we have scoured the Earth in search of content for you, and have come up with something special.

We have shamelessly stolen an entire episode of the excellent EMS Educast, and called it Special Episode 5 of Confessions of an EMS Newbie.

In it, the Educast gang, Greg Friese, Bill Toon, Buck Feris and Rob Theriault, talk about a non-traditional career path for paramedics: organ procurement.

This is one of particular interest to me, because I have a brother-from-another-mother in Arizona who parlayed his education and experience as a medic into a rewarding career as an Organ Procurement Coordinator. I'm sending him the episode, and perhaps he can chime in on the comments. Ya'll give it a listen, and aside from the subject matter, hopefully you can clear one of my personal conundrums; does Greg Friese sound more like the classic stoned surfer dude, or Patrick the Starfish?

It's Confessions of an EMS Newbie, the podcast that only plagiarizes the very best, baby!

Whose War Story Is It Anyway?

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Howdy folks, and welcome to War Story Improv! The way it works is, I start with a (semi) fictitious experential anecdote war story, and our talented cast of readers supplies the next line! It's totally unscripted and unrehearsed, and anything goes!

"So there we were, carefully unscrewing the extension handle while trying not to manipulate the guy too much, and I asked the guy, 'So you were painting your ceiling, and fell off the ladder, lodging the paint roller in your rectum. Ignoring the fact that leaving your roller propped up in the paint tray like that is an excellent way to get runs and drips, do you always paint in the nude?' and the dude said…"

Reeeeaaddddyyyy, GO!

 

Black Diamond X2 Fire Boots: A Review

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Last month, when I won the Black Diamond Boots 2011 EMS Blog of the Year contest hosted by Fire Critic, I anxiously awaited the spoils of my victory.

Unfortunately, I apparently misread the contest rules, because my prize was not a date with one of the Black Diamond Boots babes, but a pair of their X2 fire boots.

 

Unfortunately, I don't fight fire and thus have no need for fire boots, but I wanted to post a review to thank Black Diamond for graciously sponsoring the contest. I gave them to my groveling pleading shamelessly begging grateful partner, Peter Griffin, and he recently had this to say:

The new boots are great. Thanks go out to Kelly for winning the blog contest, because now I own a new set of Black Diamond X2 boots. I have been in the fire service for about 5 years, and these boots are by far the lightest, toughest, and most comfortable boots that I have ever had; and they look cool too.

There you have it, folks. Light, tough, comfortable and damned good looking, which is why (I'm told) Black Diamond is the Cadillac of fire boots.

 

For You EMS Types…

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… there’s a new column up on EMS1.

Is it time EMS gave up on endotracheal intubation?

I’m interested in hearing your thoughts.

Connecticut Bound

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Just got dropped at the airport by the EMS Newbie, bound for Cromwell, CT to speak at the Connecticut Emergency Medical Services Conference.

This is my third time to speak in Connecticut. They’re a bunch of nice folks up there. Maybe this time I’ll get to meet Peter Canning!

Plateau No Mo’

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Well, after a relatively static week hovering at 337, looks like the downward trend continues:

Yeah, baby!

Yeah, it’s a blurry cell phone photo, but my current weight is 331.9, down 28.3 pounds since February 1.

Go Team Me!

For You EMS Newbies…

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… Episode 39 is up on Confessions if an EMS Newbie.

Ron and I talk head trauma, when a detailed assessment is appropriate and when it isn’t, and how to TICLS children properly. We answer a few listener questions, too.

It’s Confessions of an EMS Newbie, the only podcast to consistently score less than 3 on the Glasgow Coma Scale. Live dangerously by listening to us while operating heavy machinery!

EMS: Neither Fish Nor Fowl Nor Good Red Meat

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As much as it pains my libertarian soul to say this, it’s time for the fed.gov to take an active role in EMS.

One of the things that most attracted me to EMS was that we kind of straddled that line between public safety and public health. EMS calls have always been like Forrest Gump’s box o’ chawklits, and that’s a big part of the romance of the street.

Unfortunately, “box o’ chawklits” also describes federal policy toward EMS; you never know what you’re gonna get. As it stands now, we are a hodgepodge of reimbursement schemes, system delivery models, staffing requirements, and practice standards.

The United States doesn’t have an EMS “system.” It has a big, unwieldy Rube Goldberg device made of redundant and disparate parts. If you think U.S. health care system is hopelessly muddled and fragmented, EMS makes the rest of it look downright OCD in its orderliness.

EMTs around the country have trouble obtaining reciprocity to practice in other states, because state licensing agencies still cling to the conceit that a CHF patient in New York City somehow requires different treatment than one in West Bugscuffle, Texas.

And as a result, when it comes to grants and federal funding, strategic planning – be it for pandemic flu or response to weapons of mass destruction – or regulation, EMS is the forgotten, redheaded stepchild, written in only as an afterthought. We’re too immature to sit at the big table with all the adults of Public Health, and we’re forced to beg for scraps at the back door of Public Safety, useful only as staffing justification and a revenue stream.

Thus, the push for a lead federal agency for EMS, tasked with shaping a coherent, nationwide strategy for developing local EMS systems, enhancing interopability (hey, I coined a word!) and communication with other systems, and maximizing efficiency of existing EMS systems.

Yeah, I know, the words “efficiency” and “federal government” are antithetical terms, but hear me out. Law enforcement has the Department of Justice. Fire suppression has the U.S. Fire Administration.

Who represents EMS at the federal level?

Like it or not, our reimbursement and regulation flows from Washington, and that’s a fact not likely to change no matter how much we want smaller government. A lead federal agency for EMS is probably going to happen. The thing we’re most likely to influence is where it will happen.

So it’s time for EMS to decide if we’re fish or fowl or good red meat. I know in practice we are a hybrid profession, but where beats the heart of EMS? Should our lead federal agency be under the umbrella of public health, or public safety?

Well, the Federal Interagency Committee on EMS (FICEMS) is asking for input in just that.

That link is a direct email link to the committee, where stakeholders may provide their input. Copied directly from the email I received from our state EMS office:

The Federal Interagency Committee on Emergency Medical Services (FICEMS) was created by law to help ensure coordination among Federal agencies involved with State, local, tribal, or regional emergency medical services and 9-1-1 systems. As discussed at their December 16, 2010 meeting, FICEMS is assessing the current and future role of the Federal government in EMS and evaluating the options for establishing or designating a Federal lead office or agency for EMS. The National Security Staff Resilience Directorate has requested that FICEMS engage with stakeholders and develop an options paper by May 15, 2011.


FICEMS is interested in any stakeholder input about the role of the Federal government in the full continuum of emergency medical services and emergency and trauma care for adults and children– including medical, 9-1-1 and emergency medical dispatch, prehospital emergency medical services (both ground and air), hospital-based emergency care and trauma care, and medical-related disaster preparedness.

With respect to this full continuum of emergency medical services and emergency and trauma care for adults and children any stakeholder input would be appreciated regarding topics such as:

  • The role of the Federal government
  • Activities or functions that should NOT be the role of Federal government
  • The role of a Federal lead office for EMS if it were established including the functions/issues it should perform and address
  • Other comments or suggestions

Most of the usual players have weighed in with their own opinions. The U.S. Department of Transportation, specifically NHTSA, has been the de facto federal agency of EMS ever since our inception. They develop and promulgate our educational standards even today.

But the plain fact is, we have outgrown our infancy as trauma care technicians trained to pull people of of wrecked cars. EMS has become the safety net of the entire health care system, and as such, we’ve outgrown NHTSA. As long as we’re housed under an agency whose primary function is managing transportation infrastructure, we will always be an afterthought.

The U.S. Fire Administration, being the altruistic bunch that they are, would welcome us with open arms. But since EMS calls make up over 80% of the run volume of most dual-role fire departments, I sense a bit of a mission conflict. Somehow, I doubt they’d be willing to reorganize their entire rank structure and rename the place “U.S. EMS Administration (With A Little Fire Now And Then).”

The International Association of Redheaded Stepchildren EMS Chiefs and the EMS Labor Alliance have already submitted their White Paper on the subject. A synopsis of the document: we belong under Department of Homeland Security.

Sorry, bad idea. The Department of Homeland Security already has the TSA. It doesn’t need another agency of poorly trained employees who touch people in intimate places, yet still can’t prove that all the probulating actually makes us safer.

So that leaves the Department of health and Human Services, which is my pick for the umbrella department to house a new lead federal agency for EMS. What we provide is health care, after all. Most of the science is a subset of medical care, and most of our funding and reimbursement comes from the federal government under CMS. It’s the logical place for Emergency Medical Services, and the one that will best help us take our rightful place amongst the other health care professions.

But enough about what I think. What do you think? And don’t just tell me, tell FICEMS, too. Here’s the chance for the EMS 2.0 movement to show that it really has legs. Get your social media revolution on, people!

None of Our Business

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Massachusetts Department of Public Health wants EMS crews to gather racial and ethnic information on their patients. From the Boston Herald article:

In the old days, when an ambulance arrived at your door, the first thing the EMT would ask would be something like: “Where does it hurt?” or “What are the symptoms?”

But we live in a Politically Correct world now, and so the Mass. Department of Public Health has issued a new directive, “Guidance on the Collection of Race and Ethnicity by Ambulance Services.”

In this document, the first question to the sick person is not: “Do you want to go to the hospital?” The first question is: “Are you Hispanic/Latino/Spanish?”

Actually, my employer doesn’t like the question, “Do you want to go the the hospital?” In the finest tradition of suggestion selling, The Borg’s preferred phrasing is, “To which hospital would you like us to take you?”

Because you know, if you give them a chance to say no, a significant portion of them will, thus generating no revenue. And I’m okay with that, really. We don’t force people to go to the hospital, and I draw the line at lying to my patient or coercion. We try our best to convince them that it’s in their own best interests, and if unsuccessful, we document accordingly.

But what we don’t do is defer our history and physical exam in order to gather racial and ethnic info. I don’t even gather insurance or demographic info, other than the patient’s age, until after our patient is on the bed in the Emergency Department.

When I’m providing medical care, I could give a rat’s ass about the patient’s racial or ethnic background. If anything, I may alter my demeanor and speech patterns to facilitate better communication, but that’s it.

Race isn’t even part of my patient reports, and if it’s even mentioned at all, it is in the context of the patient’s diagnosis or treatment. Some ethnic groups have medical conditions unique to that group, and we sometimes have to alter our assessments and treatments based upon the patient’s cultural beliefs.

And you know, the same can be said of just about all of my colleagues. Even us po’ old rednecks here in the deep South don’t bother with the patient’s ethnicity when rendering medical care, and we weren’t even blessed by being raised in enlightened places like Massachusetts.

I’m not saying there’s no racism in EMS. We have the same biases as any other group. And honestly, when you see one ethnic and demographic group abusing the system day after day, it’s hard not to become jaded.

But some of us blame the system that makes that group more likely to inappropriately utilize our services, instead of focusing on their skin tone.

But even that second group keeps their racism to themselves until after they drop off the patient at the ED. They may rail about niggers and spics and Chinks and name your offensive term after the call, until I let them know I’m not interested in their hate, but when they’ve got the patient in the back of the rig, the crack dealer gets the same care as the socialite. The most racist EMT I ever knew was as sweet and solicitious to elderly black women as he’d be to his own grandmother.

He’d talk some serious hate about their children and grandchildren after the call, though.

I’m even willing to grant that there are some EMT’s out there that don’t compartmentalize that well. They let their personal biases bleed over into their care. But the thing is, those medical providers are rare, even here in the South.

Apparently, Massachusetts DPH believes otherwise. The Herald article doesn’t say why they’re gathering the information. Maybe they just want to know the ethnic breakdown of the people who utilize EMS.

The question is, why? If there is a point in gathering that information, the only answer is that someone at DPH believes that race and ethnic background matters in the delivery of healthcare.

So who does that make the racists, the EMT’s or the Massachusetts Department of Public Health?

What say you, EMS peeps? Is this any of our business, or should Massachusetts EMT’s tell DPH to get bent?

H/T to Jay G.

EMS Today: Product Reviews

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On the opening day of EMS Today 2011, TOTWTYTR, Kyle David Bates and I attended Dr. Neil Richmond’s lecture, “Neck Immobilization Issues.”

In the interests of brevity, I’ll summarize it for you: There is no scientific evidence – none, nada, zero, zilch – that collaring and boarding patients with spinal injuries does a damn bit of good, and a growing body of evidence that it does harm.

I liked it. Aside from a little more up-to-date research and some really cool spinal fluoroscopes, it was pretty much identical to my lecture on the subject, and I’ll be updating my presentation with those additional resources.

So, for a guy that no longer believes in spinal immobilization for the vast majority of our patients, I find it rather ironic that I choose a couple of pieces of spinal immobilization equipment for my EMS Today 2011 New Product Showcase:

Tango adult/pediatric spine board

Spencer is an Italian company with quite an extensive catalogue of EMS products. Following the old immobilization maxim of “make the patient as wide as the board or the board as narrow as the patient,” Spencer’s Tango board is a conventional adult spine board integrated with their Baby Go pediatric board.

The Baby Go, an innovative board in itself, is a pediatric-sized spine board that, depending on which side or end you use, has four different heights of occipital step-down to accommodate most sizes of pediatric patients.

Marry that with the shell of an adult-sized board and a good strapping system, and you have what is the most versatile, do-anything board I’ve ever seen.

Although I’m increasingly of the opinion that most of our patients don’t need boards – including the ones with spinal injuries – the fact remains that if I want to remain employed, I’m still going to be strapping a lot of folks to rigid boards. The same is true of EMTs in most systems.

But until street practice catches up with the science, I’m in favor of any doodad that makes it easier. The Tango board makes it far easier to immobilize our pediatric patients without the use of a KED, or the expense of carrying a separate pediatric spine board.

The adult board has a recess molded into it where the Baby Go board nestles, latched into place by a couple of sturdy plastic latches. The entire setup is a bit thicker than a conventional board, but not nearly so much as, say, a Dolphin board.

Chris Kaiser of Life Under the Lights was a bit skeptical about the increased thickness, but as you can see here, it didn’t seem to hinder rescuers positioning some fat guy on it at the show:

YouTube Preview Image

If you watch the video, you can see where I’m positioning the board much higher than my head, and I’m explaining to Chris Montera why. Unfortunately, I didn’t communicate my reasons to the rest of the team, and they moved the board back down level with my head before log-rolling me onto it.

If you’ll make it a practice to position the head of the board 12-18 inches higher than the patient’s head when you log-roll, when you inevitably have to center the patient on the board, you can push them along the long axis of the spine, rather than laterally against it. It makes for a smoother move, with less potential spinal manipulation.

And in the general category of “not really new or innovative, but probably even more useful than a cool hybrid spine board,” comes Hartwell Medical’s full body vacuum splint:

Hartwell Medical full body vacuum splint

Vacuum splints mitigate the pain of spinal immobilization, limit the potential for pressure sores, and fill all those voids between body and board.

Since it’s reusable, and priced at less than $100, it looks like Hartwell has finally made vacuum mattresses affordable for most EMS systems. I’ve used their large leg vacuum splints to splint the torso on elderly patients I’ve boarded, and it worked like a charm. The splint molded itself to the body so well that we didn’t need a head immobilizer (or even a cervical collar, really), and you could count the indentations of their spinal vertebrae in the mattress after it was removed.

If you still work in a system where protocols still force you to torture people unnecessarily immobilize most of your trauma patients, these two products may make it a lot easier for both you and your patient.

Continuing Evolution in Ambulance Design

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1964 Superior Pontiac Rescuer

After EMS Expo last October, I wrote about the new Sprinter chassis designs featuring forward-facing attendant seats, manufactured by Miller Coach and Crestline Coach.

At EMS Today 2011, I saw quite a few more ambulances on display with forward-facing attendant seats. There were also a number of rigs built on the Sprinter chassis, including a couple of Type III conversions.

I’ve said before that I am intrigued by the inherent advantages of the Sprinter chassis design. Given the current economic climate and the inexorable rise of fuel prices, I’m betting a great many more fleet managers are going to give them a serious look.

They’re cheaper to maintain, last far longer, and sip diesel compared to other ambulances on the market. For a light-to-medium duty ambulance fleet, they probably make the most sense of all the available options. If you’re a medic working in a System Status Management system, particularly if you’re on the tall side, you’ll quickly fall in love with the legroom and headroom of a Sprinter.

Still, they have their detractors, and most of the complaints seem to center on the lack of foot room and storage space in the patient module. Our Borg Sprinters are fairly well laid-out, but they still offer less-than-adequate foot room between the bench seat and the cot. Most of our guys working in them have been spoiled by spending their careers in Type I boxes, and they bitch mightily about the lack of room.

Frankly, the argument doesn’t wash. Given half a chance, most of them would give their eye teeth for a flight medic position, wedging themselves into a BK117 every day:

Roomy, ain't it?

I’m a big boy, and I have no trouble working in a Sprinter. Granted, working in a van is a bit of an adjustment when you’re used to working in a box, but it can be done. Frankly, if declining reimbursement and increasing fleet costs meant a company’s choosing between smaller, more efficient ambulances and pay raises for its employees…

… this employee will choose the cramped ambulance, thank you very much.

The gripe about Sprinters being top-heavy is a legitimate one, but I’ve had the opportunity to drive these things a few times now, and if one drives them within our low-forces driving standards, they’re quite manageable. Most ambulance accidents could be avoided by simply slowing the hell down, anyway.

The folks at Miller Coach Company had at the show a new design based on the Sprinter chassis, a Type II conversion with a stretched wheel base and their reclining, forward facing seats:

Yes, it's a stretch Sprinter.

Plenty of cabinet space and foot room between seat and cot.

I'm digging the fold-down desk space...

Miller Coach’s design demonstrates that the Sprinter chassis affords plenty of room with the right module layout. I can’t quite remember how many more cubic inches of space this new design has, but from looking at it, there is plenty of room to dock my cardiac monitor, multiple IV pumps and transport ventilator, with enough room between the foot of the cot and the rear doors to secure a balloon pump. There’s as much cabinet space as the wide-body Type I boxes that The Borg uses for CCT rigs now.

Of course, there is still the issue of a relatively narrow footprint, being top-heavy. The solution to that would be a Type III conversion based on the Sprinter chassis; wider footprint, plenty of room in the back, while maintaining the ease of maintenance and most of the fuel savings.

Looks like the folks at Medix Specialty Vehicles were already thinking along those lines:

Medix 142 Type III Sprinter, owned by Trappe Fire Company.

As TOTWTYTR noted in his blog post on the subject, ambulance design hasn’t come very far in thirty years, but ambulance construction has made huge strides. In terms of HVAC, electrical systems, forward-facing attendant seats and structural integrity of the module itself, today’s rigs are a far cry from your daddy’s ambulance, even if they do still sport a similar profile and layout.

While there is still a viable market for the heavy duty chassis behemoths, I think that as more EMS agencies – public or private – start to feel the economic crunch, these Sprinters are going to become much more popular.

Looks like they’ve got the potential to represent a new era in ambulance design.

337 Pounds

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Today’s weigh-in showed no change from last week’s.

I’ll take it, though. Considering the circumstances, it’s still probably a net loss of a couple of pounds.

When I weigh in, I try to use the same scale, at roughly the same time of day and wearing the same clothing. When I weighed in at the highway rest stop in Connecticut, I was wearing jeans, running shoes and a light shirt. All my other weigh-ins have been on the same scale at a local ED, while wearing my uniform, Magnum boots and my pockets encumbered with all the detritus of a typical ambulance shift.

That stuff weighs at least a couple pounds more than casual clothing.

Anyhoo, it’s progress, however small. Tomorrow begins the exercise in earnest. I’ll walk 3 miles, and once my weight drops a bit more and the inevitable arthritis in my left knee fades, I’ll start riding a bike.

If anyone is interested in how I’m doing it, there’s no big secret to it. I eat six meals a day; the three main meals are 350 calories each, and the in-between meals are 150 calories each. If I get hungry despite that, I munch celery.

I cut out junk food, avoid fried stuff like it’s Kryptonite, and if I eat bread, I make sure it’s whole wheat. I drink water, and lots and lots of Coke Zero.

And yeah, I know I should drink less Coke Zero and more water. You’ll get my Coke Zero when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

My body has already stopped sending me the hungry signals, and a decent salad can fill me up now, whereas a month ago I could inhale that same salad and 10 pounds of crawfish without breaking a sweat.

I’m still trending steadily downward, and the increased exercise should only kick the weight loss into high gear. I’m feeling good, and these eating habits are easily sustainable for me – something that can be become a lifestyle and not a diet.

It’s working!

The Smallest Gestures…

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… often have the greatest impact.

Go read Kevin’s story.

Bring tissues.

A Good Cause

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Just a little note: I refuse to shill for charitable organizations, but I do occasionally put up these posts on my blog at the request of readers. Some people have informed me that they feel pressured to donate.

You shouldn’t feel that way, seriously. Just because I think a cause worthy doesn’t mean you have to agree with me. Readers ask me to do this because I have a fairly large following, and I am happy to oblige. It’s the least I can do in return for you guys listening to me rant and indulging my fondness for potty humor.

With that said, one long-time reader emailed me asking me to publicize the plight of Wayde Lewis, a 31-year-old EMT from Canada who is faced with the need of a heart transplant.

At 31 years old.

Folks, when I hear stories like that, I feel guilty for even thinking I have problems.

Go read Wayde’s story, and if you feel moved to contribute, do so. If not, think about spreading the word by publishing a link on your blog or Facebook page.

Doing that doesn’t cost you a dime, yet it’s still a meaningful contribution.

And while I’m on the subject, if reader HogDogs is out there to see this, drop me an email, dude. I lost your email address, and I have a few bucks my readers donated to the Hot Sauce Challenge.

Good Luck, Peter Griffin

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Seems every time I leave town for a few days, I lose a partner.

While I was at the Texas EMS Conference in November, The Borg moved back the start date of Kelso’s new shift, and I came back to work to discover that I had a new partner before Kelso could even tell me he was moving to another shift that would allow him more time with his girlfriend and daughter.

I precepted Peter Griffin through his paramedic clearance shifts, and we stayed a double-medic truck for four months until a spot opened up on one of our other rigs. While I was at EMS Today, that slot opened up, and I came back to work to discover yet another new partner.

[Memo to The Borg: Partners build relationships, fellas. Work with someone long enough, they become family. If you're going to swap us around like interchangeable parts, at least give us a shift or two for closure, so we can plan a goodbye party or burn a dispatcher in effigy or something.]

Having developed a reputation over the years as somewhat of a “bomb-proof” medic who can work with anyone, I’ve relished the opportunity to mentor a green EMT or polish up a newly-minted medic before they get their own truck. I kind of like doing that, but the lack of continuity does suck.

Still, I’ve been lucky. In nearly 18 years, I’ve only had two partners I couldn’t stand: Bitchy Partner, and Moses.

On our last shift together, Peter and I had a pretty rough call, something no one should ever have to experience. I won’t talk about it here because the matter is still under investigation (not us, just the incident in which we played an unfortunate part), but some of my closer friends know the story. It was the kind of thing that takes you a few days of talking it out to be able to wrap your head around it, and we never got that.

And now, Peter’s got his own assignment where he’s the medic, large and in charge. I’m sure he’ll do well. There are no easy ways to say goodbye to a friend, so I’ll just crib some lines from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar:

O! that a man might know
The end of this day’s business, ere it come;
But it sufficeth that the day will end,
And then the end is known.

If we do meet again, why, we shall smile;
If not, why then this parting was well made.

Peter, if I may, I have a little advice I didn’t get to impart before they split us up:

  1. Time and experience is the only thing that will teach you discretion. Until then, over treat many and under treat none.
  2. Learn to sleep with your boots on, dude.
  3. The hoo ha is our friend. Do not fear the hoo ha. Even when it smells bad or sprouts a baby.
  4. If you drop the newborn, fake a seizure.

Everything else, you’ll probably pick up on your own.

Yep, That Pretty Much Sums It Up

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For You EMS Newbies…

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… Episode 38 is up on confessions of an EMS Newbie.

Ron and I talk about burns and when it is appropriate the skip straight to the end of the Airway Continuum, uses for phentolamine, and when it is appropriate to insert your hands into a woman’s hoo ha.

That is, outside of certain niche porn films.

It’s Confessions of an EMS Newbie, the podcast Rolling Stone magazine called “A sonic tour de force… a groundbreaking achievement in spoken word music.”

Frankly, we don’t know why the hell they wrote that. They were probably totally baked at the time.

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“So there we were, a crowd of anxious onlookers gathered around, me and my trusty sidekick kneeling next to a sweet little grandma in the throes of VF, and us without an AED or even a CPR pocket mask. And right then, I turned to my compadre and said, “Partner, this is the kind of call where legends are made…”

**********

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t exactly how it happened, but since that’s the way most EMS war stories begin, why break with tradition?

TOTWTYTR and I left EMS Today 2011 after the exhibit hall closed Saturday, and pointed ourselves north to Philly to meet some blogger friends for dinner. After a superb meal and a couple hours of riotously funny conversation, we continued on our way, stopping overnight in Edison, NJ.

Sunday morning, before continuing our trek to Massachusetts, we stopped at a local diner for breakfast. Since my vow to change my eating habits for the better, breakfast for me has usually been a cereal bar and a piece of fruit. This morning, however, I decided that man cannot live on twigs and berries alone, so I indulged myself with scrambled eggs and bacon, with the substitution of Egg Beaters being my only concession to healthy eating.

TOTWTYTR, being the supportive friend that he is, had the friggin’ French toast, liberally smothered in powdered sugar and maple syrup.

So, as I morosely pushed my imitation eggs around my plate and wished a four-vessel bypass on my friend, we heard a commotion behind us.

“Call 911!” came an urgent voice, echoed shortly thereafter by a more authoritative one, this time with the force of command, “CALL 911.”

“Sounds like they could use some help,” TOTWTYTR observed laconically.

“Sounds like it,” I replied coolly. “Shall we?”

Because you know, it’s important to be laconic and cool when you’re a pair of trauma fighting superheroes.

So, following EMS Axiom #4 (paramedics do not run), we moseyed over to the booth in question. Well, I moseyed. TOTWTYTR, being the senior medic in the room, chose to swagger.

As we shouldered our way through the knot of waitresses and onlookers, we identified ourselves as off-duty paramedics. “Thank God,” one of them breathed, and the crowd parted to reveal an elderly woman slumped over in the booth, eyes open and unfocused, breathing agonally.

TOTWTYTR, not one to mince words, suggested, “Let’s get her out of the booth and onto the floor where we can manage her airway.”

As we did just that, I noticed an elderly gentleman sitting in an adjacent booth, watching us fearfully, tears welling in his eyes. Her husband.

A waitress stood behind him, fluttering hands gently placed on his shoulders in a comforting gesture, but her eyes had more tears in them than his.

I slid my fingers up the sleeve of her coat, feeling for a radial pulse. Finding none, I glanced up at TOTWTYTR, who was also searching in vain for a carotid pulse.

“Got anything down there?” he asked hopefully, and I shook my head. “Okay, time to start compressions.”

It occurred to me then that, for the 10+ years we’ve been friends, this was the first time TOTWTYTR and I had ever worked a call together. Despite that, we were already completing each other’s thoughts.

As I started compressions, grimacing at that initial crunch of rib cartilage separating in an elderly person, he said, “No pocket mask… let’s just do compression-only CPR until help gets here.”

I interrupted my mental compression count to reply, “I’ll call for a switch after 200, and we’ll swap positions. Just keep monitoring her airway.”

As I was nearing my 100th compression, I felt an urgent tug at my left elbow. A voice asked, ”What compression are you on?”

By way of reply, I started counting aloud, “Ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six…”

Stop!” the voice blurted, and I turned my head to see an attractive woman in her mid-thirties, kneeling on the opposite seat of the booth. “You’re only supposed to do thirty compressions at a time!” she admonished.

Rather than explain the differences between dual-rescuer CPR for healthcare providers and compression-only CPR for laypersons, I simply smiled reassuringly and replied, “It’s okay, we’re both paramedics and CPR instructors.”

Apparently, that wasn’t adequate explanation.

She drew herself up haughtily, and retorted, “I took CPR just six months ago, and I know you’re supposed to give 30 compressions and 2 ventilations.”

So I retorted, just as haughtily, “Do you know who you’re talking to? DO YOU?? You’re talking to Ambulance Driver and muhfuckin’ Too Old To Work, beeyotch!

Okay, so maybe I didn’t say exactly that. Instead, forcing myself to remain polite, I kept the confident smile on my face and used my Paramedic Voice. “Thanks for your assistance, Ma’am, but the standards changed only four months ago. You can rest assured that the paramedic CPR instructors know how to do CPR.”

TOTWTYTR suppressed a chuckle, and said, “That’s two minutes. Ready to switch?”

As I slid into position at the woman’s head, both of us noticed that her eyes had begun to focus, and that her breathing had improved enough to notice visible chest rise.

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing that.

They teach you in CPR class that breathing becomes agonal within seconds following the onset of ventricular fibrillation, and truly that describes this woman’s respiratory effort. Her rate, however, was 12, perhaps 14 breaths per minute.

That’s within normal range for an adult.

I’ve seen healthcare providers mistake the onset of VF for a seizure, as the patient arched their back and spasmodically jerked. Only checking a pulse clued the nurses in to the fact that we were dealing with a lethal arrhythmia and not a seizure.

I’ve also done CPR on witnessed arrests where our compressions provided enough brain perfusion to allow the victim to open his eyes, look at you when his name was called, and nod his head in answer to questions. The moment you stopped, however, those eyes lost their focus, and the patient quickly lost consciousness.

Apparently, that was the case with this woman, because as we vainly searched for a pulse, her breathing quickly declined and her eyes rolled back once again.

Muttering under his breath, TOTWTYTR resumed compressions, and I maintained a head-tilt, chin-lift in hopes that a little passive oxygenation might be possible with the changes in intrathoracic pressure brought about by chest compressions.

Shortly after beginning our second cycle of compressions, a set of AED pads appeared in my field of vision, held by a police officer whose hands were shaking so badly that he could barely pull the backing paper off the pads. TOTWTYTR looked at the shaking hands, followed them up to the officer’s face, and made his judgment.

“It’s okay,” he said gently, “we’ve got it.” Taking the pads from the grateful officer, he quickly lifted the woman’s blouse and applied them. As the AED analyzed the rhythm, he rocked back on his haunches to rest.

Shock advised,” purred the AED in its telephone operator’s voice. “Stand clear. Push the SHOCK button.”

“Everybody clear!” called TOTWTYTR, waving his hand over the patient.

Nothing happened.

I looked up to see the cop standing three feet away, the SHOCK button on the AED flashing an insistent red.

“I think he’s waiting on you to do it,” I said softly, nodding at the cop. TOTWTYTR twisted around to look at the abandoned AED, then up at the cop. Shrugging, he pressed the button, the woman’s back arched in spasm, and we were already shifting positions before her torso relaxed onto the floor once again.

TOTWTYTR resumed compressions, waving off my offer to switch places. “I’m good,” he grunted. “I had just started when we stopped to shock, anyway. See if the cop has a BVM.”

The cop, overhearing him, unzipped a side pocket of his BLS bag, ripped the BVM out of its plastic wrapper, and thrust it at me.

Naturally, the mask was not attached to the bag. Story of my life.

I got up, stepped behind TOTWTYTR and fished the mask out of the BVM wrapper. I settled in at the woman’s head, tilted her head back, and nodded at my partner.

“Go ahead,” he grunted, hands poised just above the woman’s chest. I delivered two breaths, and as soon as the second one was in, he resumed compressions, counting aloud this time.

See what I mean about completing each other’s thoughts? It couldn’t have been a more seamless transition into two-rescuer CPR, with barely a word exchanged between us.

I wish my BVM technique had been as flawless, because I was missing a few breaths now and then. I dropped the BVM briefly to reposition her head, and resumed ventilations the next time the count reached 30.

Only got the first one in, damn it.

“Someone hand my partner an OPA if you’ve got one,” TOTWTYTR ordered, and presently a medium adult Berman-type OPA was handed to me. The arm that held it was clad in turnout gear.

I looked up at the firefighter holding the OPA. “If you’ll hand me your tubing, I’ll hook you up to oxygen,” he offered. Gratefully, I handed him the BVM’s oxygen connector, and he opened the flow meter to 15 liters.

Unfortunately, inserting the OPA proved more difficult, because our patient was trismic. I managed to wedge the OPA briefly between her molars, but since I wasn’t wearing gloves, I was somewhat reluctant to stick my thumb in her mouth to perform and tongue-jaw lift.

Besides, adding a severed thumb to the mix would only complicate her airway issues. So, I carefully repositioned her head and resumed ventilations, sans OPA. With a little more attention to detail, I was able to ventilate her more effectively.

As the AED counted down, “Analyzing in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… stop compressions… do not touch the patient…” I looked up to see more professional rescuers in the room, including several not wearing turnout gear.

Problem was, they were all on the wrong side of a knot of onlookers, and were having little success in making their way to the patient, doing it the polite way.

As TOTWTYTR pushed the SHOCK button a second time, I maneuvered into place to resume compressions. We had given several sets of compressions and ventilations when I heard that familiar voice at my left elbow, “Here, put these under her neck.”

I looked up to see our helpful bystander, the CPR critic, thrusting a six-inch stack of wet napkins at me. Resisting the urge to tell her to go boil some water, I instead thanked her for her help and laid the soggy napkins on the woman’s chest. “We’ll get right to that on the next compressor switch,” I lied.

The next time the AED started its analysis sequence, a calmer voice said, “Thanks guys, we’ll take it from here.” TOTWTYTR and I looked up to see that the BLS rescue squad had managed to maneuver their way to the patient’s side. One was already kneeling beside the AED, finger poised over the SHOCK button. A third was standing behind TOTWTYTR.

As we stood up and massaged the kinks from our lower backs, the local EMTs delivered a third shock and resumed compressions, with little wasted motion.

As we stepped back and watched the CPR ballet, for once as spectators and not participants, my buddy said laconically, “Our work here is done. Shall we wash our hands before finishing our breakfast?”

Remember how I said it was important to be cool and laconic when you’re a lifesaving superhero? Y’all make a note of that.

“Good idea,” I chuckled, and followed him to the men’s room.

As we made our way back to our table, I noticed our patient still lying there, and no one doing compressions or ventilations. I elbowed TOTWTYR.

“Check it out,” I snorted. “We do uninterrupted chest compressions right up until the professional EMTs get here, and now everyone’s busy doing anything but what they’re supposed to be…”

… and then I noticed the woman breathing, and doing a pretty fair job of it, in fact. One EMT was feeling for a carotid pulse, a triumphant grin on his face, while another was filling the reservoir on a non re-breather mask.

“Okay, well maybe they had good reason to stop compressions,” I admitted sheepishly. “Looks like they got her back.”

“Hope so,” TOTWTYTR agreed. “Witnessed arrest, CPR started immediately… maybe she’s got a fighting chance.”

When we got back to our table, the busboy had already cleared our plates. Damn it, and I was looking forward to those home fries. It seemed the fates were conspiring to keep me honest.

Our waitress, however, appeared immediately, topping off TOTWTYTR’s coffee and refilling my water glass. She was still crying, and her hands were shaking like a leaf.

“Hey,” I said softly, nodding toward the EMTs. “Look over there.”

The ALS ambulance had arrived, and they were busy packaging the patient for transport. From fifteen feet away, we could see the steady rise and fall of the woman’s chest. The waitress stared for a moment, and turned her eyes back to us.

“They got her back,” I told her. “Wouldn’t have happened if someone hadn’t had the good sense to call 911 right away.” TOTWTYTR nodded in agreement.

As we gathered our things and made our way to the cashier, it seems everyone wanted to thank us.

The cops shook our hands gratefully.

So did the firemen.

Ditto for the EMTs.

The medic from Robert Wood Johnson made it a point to duck back into the diner and give us an attaboy before she transported.

The manager of the diner refused our money, saying our breakfast was on the house. Diner patrons tugged at my sleeve, wanting to shake my hand before I left.

To be honest, it felt a little weird. And one thing I noticed; no one bothered to heap such praise and gratitude on the people in uniform who were working on her, too. There’s something wrong with that.

But something also tells me the cops, firefighters, EMTs and paramedics don’t much mind. They know that resuscitation is a team sport, and saves are a team victory.

After all, they’re professionals.


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