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Paraglyphics and EMS Pidgin

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I happened to see something frightening last night: the written run report of a colleague, one of my fellow Borg drones.

Now, we have a computerized reporting system at The Borg. We also have the option to dictate our run reports, phoning them in to a 24-hour medical transcriptionist, using a standardized reporting template. Sadly, the dictation option is being phased out because 75% of the medics who use it are too damned stupid to follow the standardized reporting template provided by the company.

Our computerized reporting system has an integral spell-checker. Like most spell-checkers, it catches some things and not others, and it isn’t particularly good with technical language.

Now, this colleague has been a paramedic for over a year now. He should be well into the groove, past his new-paramedic jitters. He’s still not the sharpest scalpel in the drawer, but hey, he obtained a high school diploma, passed an EMT-B course and its subsequent national certification exam, and a full paramedic course and its subsequent certification exam.

Yet his run report, the one he hands to ER doctors and nurses, was so full of paraglyphics* as to be incomprehensible and the words he did spell out were some real doozies:

Like aspration namona in the block for Chief Complaint.

Or sepis, psycho and ostoarthritius in the section for Past Medical History.

And the sad thing is, he’s not a rarity. I’ve seen others almost as bad. His run narrative was a personal injury lawyer’s wet dream. It just screamed “down payment on a new Mercedes!”

What’s worse is that, when he turns in semi-literate gibberish like this, it doesn’t just reflect poorly on him. It reflects poorly on me as well.

The doctors that don’t know me assume that I’m just as incompetent as he is, because that is their reference point for EMS. The doctors that do know me tell me I’m wasting my time and talents as a paramedic. Even a mediocre medic shines like a diamond compared to the unpolished turds like my colleague. Next to Mongo Medic with the dubba digit vocabalerry, I look like friggin’ Gregory House, MD.

If we’re ever going to make this EMS 2.0 dream a reality, turds like my colleague are going to have to be flushed. Problem is, there are so many of them that we may well back up the plumbing doing it.



Paraglyphics (noun): the use of abbreviations, symbols and EMS jargon in such volume as to render the report indecipherable to anyone but the paramedic who wrote the report.

What, They Never Heard of Scooby Snacks?

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From the Culpeper, VA Star Exponent comes this piece of news:

Five Virginia Department of Corrections officers have been charged with animal cruelty involving the fondling of a K-9 dog and videotaping the two incidents.

All five officers were training at the Academy for Staff Development in Goochland County to become K-9 handlers. They were charged across the James River in Powhatan County where the kennel is located, at the Powhatan Correctional Center…

*snip*

“Essentially, he was touching the dog’s penis with his hand,“ Beasley said. “The others were there filming it. That’s actually how we learned of it — there’s a video.”

Two observations come to mind:

  1. “Woof!” mean NO, people!

  2. It’s only cruelty if you stop fondling before the dog finishes.

Thank God I only trained retrievers professionally. The only reward they needed was another retrieve, not a hand job and pillow talk afterward.

For You EMS Types…

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… there’s another column about EMS 2.0 over on EMS1.com.

Weigh in with your comments. They’d be appreciated by a number of others with interest in the subject, not just my little approval-whoring self.

Take a look, and let us know what you think.

EMS 2.0: An Inconvenient EMS Truth

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This talk of rebooting EMS has spurred a few additional thoughts on the subject.

I’ve said before that I believe EMS 2.0 should mean a leaner, more efficient version of prehospital care than what we have now, with the future equivalent of an EMT-Basic as the default EMS provider for most communities. Paramedics will be a relatively few, exquisitely trained providers capable of providing what we have always professed EMS to be, but so rarely is: an extension of the Emergency Department into the field.

To do that, we’re going to have to re-educate the general public and public officials about the capabilities and limitations of EMS, and probably the Emergency Department as well.

We’ve done a pretty fair job of educating the public about the capabilities of EMS, despite the fact that quite a few of my patients seem to think I drive a smaller version of a mass transit bus, only with Bandaids and free morphine. Where we have monumentally failed is in educating the public about what EMS cannot do.

That isn’t a failing unique to EMS. The public has totally unrealistic expectations of the capabilities of medical care in general.

Despite what you see on House, the best doctors are not unredeemable Vicodin-addicted assholes, nor are they geniuses with encyclopedic knowledge of every disease pathophysiology ever identified. I’ve never seen an episode of ER that showed the legions of people in the waiting room with toothaches, or demanding work excuses or inappropriate antibiotics for their viral syndromes. Despite what we saw on Emergency, 95% of our cardiac arrest patients stay that way despite our best efforts, and the camera never showed Johnny Gage showing up on a call at oh-dawn-thirty with dragon breath and his uniform shirt tucked into his underwear.

And before you comment on his bed head, everyone’s hair looked like that in the 70’s.

I watched Rescue 911 for years, and yet to this day, I’ve never been invited to a patient’s “new” birthday party. On the other hand, I have been subpoenaed invited to attend the lawsuit one filed against me to commemorate the day I saved his life.

In fact, if you want to see the most realistic medical show on television, just watch Scrubs. The medicine is generally correct if not terribly exciting, but the interpersonal relationships are spot-on.

#1 Dinosaur’s First Law states “The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.” She may have cribbed the quote from Voltaire, but the reason she considers it her First Law of the Dinosaur is that nothing has come along in the 200+ years since Voltaire’s death to prove it demonstrably untrue.

So, if we’re going to re-invent EMS, we must first start with dispelling some of the dogma in EMS – not just in the care we provide, but in system design as well. So now I’ll channel my inner Al Gore (although, hopefully, without the blandness), and speak some Inconvenient EMS Truths. Actually, there are a number of Inconvenient EMS Truths, but I’ll confine this post to the biggie, the one that affects everything from EMS system design, to trauma triage guidelines, to the justification of EMS helicopter transport:

Inconvenient Truth #1: Very few of our calls are actually all that time-sensitive.

That admission alone can utterly transform EMS, folks.

With the exception of stroke, evolving MI, hypoglycemia and severe respiratory distress, very few of our calls require a rapid EMS response, and for most of those categories, prompt response usually only has the potential to effect morbidity, not mortality. I’ll even include multi-systems trauma in the category of calls that are not all that time-sensitive.

Most current research on trauma deaths indicates a trimodal distribution of trauma mortality: death within minutes due to neurological or vascular causes; death within hours due to hypoxia or hypovolemia; and death within days or weeks due to sepsis, Multiple Organ Dysfunction Syndrome, or other complications.

Of those three identified categories of trauma death, EMS has the potential to positively impact only one: those who would die within hours due to hypovolemia or hypoxia. Funny thing is, the outcomes in those patients don’t seem to reflect much difference between the patients who made it to surgery within the Golden Hour and those who made it in the Aluminum Afternoon.

And if you look at the reasons that middle group die – hypoxia and hypovolemia – one might argue that a good, old-fashioned EMT-Intermediate trained under the 1985 curriculum would be the most appropriate EMS provider for them.

That is, unless you pay attention to Ken Mattox’s research supporting permissive hypotension, and the studies that show poorer outcomes in trauma patients who are intubated. Then, you might say that the best EMS provider for a critically injured trauma patient is someone who can plug the holes, apply oxygen, and make an intelligent decision as to appropriate receiving facilities. That provider would be an EMT-Basic, pretty much the same critter as envisioned in the EMS White Paper way back in 1966.

We’ve built an entire belief system based on the myth of the Golden Hour, and extrapolated from it our own proprietary myth of the Platinum Ten Minutes. Nowadays, that Platinum Ten Minutes has more relevance to maximizing Unit Hour Utilization than to patient care, although your system’s managers will be loathe to admit it.

Most urban EMS systems in this country operate on an artificially contrived response time standard of eight minutes or less. Read the municipal ordinances that govern such things, and you’ll often see it actually required by law that the EMS system in a given area  arrive at the scene of emergency calls in eight minutes or less, 90% of the time.

Ask the city council members or lawyers as to why it’s written that way, and you’ll get a chorus of blank looks, much like you’d get if you asked a chimpanzee to perform calculus.

You may find an occasional one that will bloviate on and on about how the standards were derived, but – and primate experts and political commentators will back me up on this – the only thing worse than a chimp that can’t do calculus is a pompous chimp who pretends otherwise.

I’ll tell you what that eight minute response time standard is based on:

chain_of_survival

See that fourth link there, the one about Early Advanced Care?

Yeah, that one. For as long as I’ve been teaching their courses, the American Heart Association has stated that ALS care within eight minutes of arrest improves survival rates. That is what we’re basing that response time standard upon. There are only two problems with that:

  1. That number is based less upon science than conjecture, and the only two interventions proven to improve survival to hospital discharge are early and uninterrupted chest compressions, and early defibrillation – both BLS interventions. The benefit of ALS is, at best, theoretical. Now, with the advent of things like post-ROSC induced hypothermia, that may indeed change. But for now, there is precious little evidence to support the efficacy of ALS in cardiac arrest.
  2. It’s a chain. Take out any of the first three links, and the best ALS care in the world is essentially meaningless. Fact is, the only meaningful response time standard is four minutes or less. If you can’t meet that standard, then the next best bet is just as reliably derived by using the Magic Eight Ball as it is by copying the ambulance ordinance from the next town over.

While we’re on the subject of time, and its overstated importance in what we do, let’s look at lights and siren transport, shall we?

I’ve often said that twin water-cooled .50 caliber machine guns and a snowplow bumper would be more effective than lights and siren, and I was only half-joking. Lights and siren usually don’t buy you that much time, but throwing a burst of armor-piercing rounds into the Prius plodding along at 45 mph in the left lane would improve my job satisfaction by an order of magnitude.

In a North Carolina study, lights and siren response saved an average of 43.5 seconds. In Syracuse, NY, it was 1 minute, 46 seconds. In Minneapolis, it was a whopping 3.02 minutes. Yet, as I’ve pointed out earlier in this post, unless those time savings represent, consistently, the difference between a four minute response and something more than four minutes – on the 1% of EMS calls that involve cardiac arrest – then the end result is simply rapid conversion of money into noise and diesel fumes.

When it comes to the benefit of transporting with lights and siren, I’ll refer you to this quote from an article by Bryan Bledsoe, another EMS heretic who does a much better job than I at questioning EMS dogma:

“…Pennsylvania researchers studied a county-wide, single-provider, private EMS system that used 11 ALS ambulances. Annual call volume for the service area was 14,000, and the county population was approximately 90,000. A medical protocol was developed, and carried on each ambulance, that provided medical criteria for lights and siren transport. A total of 1,625 patients were entered into the study. Based on the medical protocol, 92% of patients were transported without lights and sirens, while 8% were transported with lights and sirens. No adverse outcomes were identified as being related to non-lights and siren transport.”

From later in the article, comes this:

“Do the benefits of lights and siren transport outweigh the possible risks? Again, this must be a local decision. A recent study estimated that the fatality rate for EMS personnel is 12.7 fatalities per 100,000 EMS workers annually, which compares with 14.2 for police, 16.5 for firefighters, and a national average of 5.0 during the same time period. Most fatalities were due to traffic accidents.7 Some industry experts have estimated that there are 12,000 ambulance-related crashes annually in the United States, causing nearly 120 deaths.”

It’s pretty clear that, despite what we tell the public, despite what we tell ourselves, that the vast majority of EMS calls aren’t a life-or-death struggle set to the ominous ticking of a clock. It’s time we stopped pretending otherwise, and started doing research to determine exactly what calls are that time-sensitive, and what is the optimum response time standard for those types of calls.

And while we’re at it, start the long and arduous task of educating John Q. Public that, should he call an ambulance for the knee pain he’s had for a month, he can expect an ambulance in roughly the same time frame he can expect his cable television installer – some time next Thursday, between the hours of 8:00 am and 5:00 pm.

**********

That’s all the preaching I’ll do for now. There may be Inconvenient Truths to come, unless my ADHD kicks in and I – Hey guys, let’s all go ride our bikes!

Ambulance Driver’s Aimless Tweets

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  • If The Crimson Shade of My Neck Didn’t Give You A Clue…: … I give you the following verbatim .. http://bit.ly/fHkmk #
  • Epiphany: When KatyBeth comes to me to change the outfits on her Disney Princesses, it always corresponds to a wardrobe change on the DVD. #
  • Observations From Last Night: 1. Dentistry is best left to the professionals.* I don’t care if that broke.. http://bit.ly/2n3TKt #
  • Family Tradition: On some nights around Casa de Ambulance Driver, particularly those when the thunder is boomin.. http://bit.ly/4kSsLc #
  • EMS 2.0: The Wet Blanket Post: It started in a response to Rogue Medic’s reply to an anonymous commenter,.. http://bit.ly/o1EHb #
  • When you've been shocking the plethysmograph tracing for 10 minutes, it's time to drop the "skilled" from "skilled nursing facility." #
  • Overheard On The ‘Bolance: Ambulance Driver: “You da man, RP!” Rookie Partner: “No, but.. http://bit.ly/1Ob4a6 #
  • Dear dispatcher, if you're going to screw me, buy me dinner first. Or at least spank my ass and tell me what a naughty little medic I am. #
  • Lady, if your kid has oppositional defiant disorder, then I'm a schizophrenic. And the voices in my head say you're a shitty parent. #
  • How Do You Like The New Digs?: Many thanks to Eric Augustus of EMS Haiku for the spiffy new blog banner. Should.. http://bit.ly/3gZ90K #
  • Remember, kiddies… they're not gomers or frequent fliers. They're valued repeat customers, the foundation of any successful business! #
  • I've got a serious man crush on Drew Brees. If I weren't fervently heterosexual, he'd make me all moist in my undies with every touchdown. #
  • Four more hours, and I'll be home in my beanbag chair, naked and eating Cheetos… #
  • Thanks for the birthday wishes, y'all… although REAL friends would have sent hookers and blow… #

If The Crimson Shade of My Neck Didn’t Give You A Clue…

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… I give you the following verbatim IM conversation:

ateupmedic3033: I just did the most redneck thing EVAR.

Christina The Massage Therapist: Oh?

ateupmedic3033: “KatyBeth, why dontcha go to the fridge and fetch yer Daddy a beer?”

Christina The Massage Therapist: LOL. If you trained your DOG to fetch you a beer from the fridge, THAT would be the most redneck thing EVAR.

ateupmedic3033: Um, well… does teaching one to fetch beer from the ice chest count?

Observations From Last Night

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1. Dentistry is best left to the professionals.* I don’t care if that broken molar has been bothering you for weeks. I don’t care if another week will pass before you can get in to see the dentist. I don’t care if you’ll save $100 on a simple extraction.

If your ex-wife says, “I have 2% Lidocaine, a 27 gauge needle, and pliers…”

Just. Say. No.

2. Teaching your seven-year-old to sing Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls will not be well-received by your ex-wife.

And telling her it was dedicated to her, in honor of her birthday, will not gain you any points.

3. The ex-wife keeps losing years, and I don’t mean lying about her age. She literally forgets how old she is.

If her memory gets any worse, she’ll be able to hide her own Easter eggs.

* Incidentally, did you know there is a book called Where There Is No Dentist, and that you can read it online? I didn’t, and now I really wish I hadn’t.

Family Tradition

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On some nights around Casa de Ambulance Driver, particularly those when the thunder is booming, or when she’s had a bad dream…

… I will be awakened by the sound of a 7-year-old with a limp toddling into my bedroom, or perhaps by the scraping of a small footstool being dragged across the floor, and presently a little blonde head will burrow under the covers and an arm will be flung across my chest.

“Can I sleep with you, Daddy?” she’ll ask, already knowing the answer.

“I suppose so,” I’ll yawn. “Scoot on in here and snuggle down.”

“Uh uh,” she’ll grin sleepily. “No way.”

“No way?” I’ll ask indignantly. “And may I ask why not?”

“Because we’re up snugglers in this family.”

You’d think after seven years, I’d learn.

EMS 2.0: The Wet Blanket Post

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It started in a response to Rogue Medic’s reply to an anonymous commenter, and my subsequent reply.

Happy Medic opined in his blog that EMS as we know it needs a reboot. EMS 2.0, he called it. Just a throwaway line, really, about how we need to re-think the way we’ve educated ourselves in the past, and how we will in the future.

Funny how those throwaway lines can ignite a firestorm. Since then, much of the EMS blogosphere has latched onto the concept, riffing on the ways we’re going to drag our profession kicking and screaming into the 21st century. We’re going to expand our scope of practice, broaden and deepen our education, and reinvent EMS into something its founders never envisioned.

We’re going to demand, and deserve, our rightful seat at the table with the grownups in health care, and we’re going to save lives and stamp out disease and pestilence, and who better to do it than us, right?

We’re paramedics, after all. We’re on the front lines of medicine.

[cue inspirational music here]

It would be more inspiring if it weren’t something I hadn’t seen a hundred times before. The reinvention of EMS is a meme that has been circling the various EMS internet forums and use groups ever since I first discovered the wonders of a modem back in 1995, and no doubt was hotly debated in hotel bars at every EMS conference for years before that.

It’s not a new subject.

It’s a meme with legs, however. It never quite dies, and I suppose that’s a good thing. The topic will be debated, grand ideas will be discussed, old medics will be called dinosaurs resistant to change and new medics will be ridiculed for their unrealistic idealism, volunteers will be lauded and bashed, fire service EMS will be lionized and demonized, and everyone will claim to have the answers…

… and then everyone will just drop it, because there are dialysis runs to be made, after all, and Homeless Hank needs his weekly ride to detox. We’re working too damned hard to endlessly debate these high-minded ideas.

And so the thread becomes dormant again, much like the varicella virus, lying in wait along the nerve roots of our collective psyche, biding its time until a new crop of medics can bring it to flower again, their infectious enthusiasm enough to weaken the defenses of the most jaded medics until -  BOOM! – it bursts forth in a rash of red, itchy Idealism Shingles.

And it always seems to be in a dermatome I can’t quite scratch.

Once upon a time, I was that idealistic new medic whose grand ideas were rudely extinguished by the wet blanket of reality, wielded by more experienced medics like TOTWTYTR. Some of our arguments back in the day were pretty damned fierce.

And now I find myself that older medic impelled to dash the hopes of a new generation of dreamers. On the other hand, I’m not quite jaded enough not to hope. I’m a paramedic, after all, a member of a profession still in its adolescence.

And like any adolescent, we are capable of boundless enthusiasm, hindered only by our astounding naivete. I suppose that naivete is of some use, however. Many of the greatest ideas of man came to fruition only because some genius was too damned stupid to know that what he proposed wasn’t possible.

But if we’re ever going to bring EMS 2.0 to fruition, we must first start with a little perspective. George Santayana once wrote, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

Phrased another way, we have no idea where we’re going, unless we first know where we’ve been. Well, where we’ve been is a surprisingly short road. Napolean’s private surgeon may have invented the ambulance concept in 1792, but modern EMS as we know it stems from an innocuous government document written just 43 short years ago; “Accidental Death and Disability: The Neglected Disease of Modern Society.”

Forty three years.

That’s our entire institutional history, folks. I find it apropos that Happy Medic chose EMS 2.0 as the term for his concept. If EMS were software, we’d be a Beta release – full of promise, but still with plenty of bugs.

And much like software developers, many of our professional organizations like NAEMT do nothing to fix the problems, choosing instead to insist, “They’re not bugs, they’re features!”

Add many more features, and we’ll be the public safety version of Windows Vista: bloated and slow, prone to crashes, and a hog of system resources.

In the intervening 43 years since the EMS White Paper, our role has grown far beyond that of the BLS trauma technician envisioned in the original document. Along the way we’ve become the medical safety net for the entire health care system system.

For a huge demographic in the United States, we are their primary care providers.

Some of us may see that as the natural evolution of our profession; our role expanding in pace with our growing skills and knowledge base. And they might ask, as with EMS 2.0, where we go from here, and how far might we rise?

Then again, a military commander might define many of the responsibilities we’re thinking of shouldering as mission creep. We cannot be all things to all people, and to try ultimately only lessens our effectiveness for the people who really need us.

Happy Medic gives his vision of some of the technological advances we’ll see under EMS 2.0:

“…Hospital radio reports via instant message, electronic patient care reports downloaded wirelessly on arrival, care back in the hands of the caregivers, not the bureaucrats. Alternates to automatically defaulting to transport in an ALS ambulance to an ER.”

With the exception of that last item, most of those things are easily enough done, and to my mind they represent embracing emerging technology more than an entire system redesign.

More problematic is that last goal: Alternates to automatically defaulting to transport in an ALS ambulance to an ER.

Even board-certified emergency physicians wrestle with the decision to admit someone to the hospital or not, and sometimes they make the wrong decision despite their vastly superior education. I’ll put it bluntly: paramedics are not capable of making transport/no transport decisions. We do not have the education needed to be system gatekeepers.

I’m not saying some of us can’t do it. I may be capable of making those decisions, and being right far more often than not. So may Rogue Medic, or Happy Medic, or TOTWTYTR, or many of the top tier medics in every EMS system in this country.

But then, it’s not only those medics who will be making those decisions, is it? Until every medic – even the barely competent knuckle dragger who barely passed the certification exam on his sixth try – is capable of that level of thinking, triaging patients to places other than the Emergency Department is a pipe dream.

The Fire Critic hit upon several good points in his post on the subject:

At what point in advancing more in-depth treatments, on scene surgical protocols, more advanced medicine treatments, and all around increase in skills will the Paramedics be required to go to longer schooling? This longer term in schooling might mean that many decide to go the route of a PA, Nurse Practitioner, or MD.

Exactly. Right now, medics barely have the education necessary to master their current scope of practice, much less a greatly expanded one. There are some excellent paramedic education programs out there, but for the most part, the curricula, top to bottom, is woefully inadequate.

Implementation of the National EMS Education Standards will go a long way toward addressing that problem, but even then, there may well be a ceiling to EMS education. IS there a uniquely prehospital knowledge base that is broad and deep enough to encompass, say, Master’s Degree paramedics? Doctorates in paramedicine, perhaps?

Maybe so, but color me skeptical.

At what point will this increase in overall medical knowledge require higher paying salaries?

As Fire Critic pointed out, there are already providers trained at the level to which we aspire. They call themselves nurses and physician’s assistants, and neither of them are going to work for the chump change that they pay paramedics.

You will find no one in EMS that believes they are paid what they’re worth. And you know what? Every single one of them is right. There are many EMTs whose pay is not commensurate with their training and education. On the other hand, there are thousands more knuckleheads out there who are paid far more than they are worth.

Which brings me to my next point: Even if we do significantly raise the bar for EMS education, and the salaries follow, to enjoy any meaningful increase in pay, we are not only going to have to transform EMS, but the whole friggin’ health care reimbursement system.

That’s a pretty tall order for a fledgling profession still trying to decide whether it belongs in health care or public safety, and for whom  the majority of its practitioners provide their services for free.

Make no mistake; the current debate isn’t about health care reform, despite what the politicians on either side of the aisle will tell you. No, the debate is about health care payment reform. The sticking point isn’t one of access, or quality of care, it is who will pay for it all.

Whether we foot the bill through increased insurance premiums or higher taxes, either way we’re going to pay. Pick your poison.

The only sure bets for the future of health care, including EMS, is that 1) it will cost more to deliver, or 2) we will be paid less to deliver it.

And there’s a better than even chance both will happen.  Costs to insurers and taxpayers will skyrocket, and reimbursement for services will plummet.

So the question then becomes, if we are going to reboot the system, release EMS 2.0, how will we pay for it?

The short answer is, I don’t know. And if anyone else tells you they know, they’re either liars, or running for public office.

But then, I repeat myself.

But since we’re dreaming big, and revolution is spurred by the dreamers too naive to know what is impossible, I’ll tell you what I think EMS 2.0 should be:

Less EMS.

There, I said it.

Perversely, EMS has been the victim of its own PR success. We’ve spent decades exhorting the public to call us, even for the most trivial of issues. Call 911, and Johnny and Roy showed up on your doorstep, and nobody they treated ever died.

Heartburn? Could be angina. Best call the paramedics.

Dizzy? Could be a stroke. Call the paramedics.

Witness an accident? Don’t move the victim. Call the professionals who know how to do it.

Drive yourself to the hospital? What if your heart stops while you’re driving? What if you black out? Best err on the side of caution and call the medics.

I don’t begrudge the non-emergent calls I do, even the most trivial ones, because we have conditioned several generations of Americans that they shouldn’t ever feel ill, or suffer pain, or be inconvenienced in any way, and that the wonders of medicine will cure all their ills, and that despite the fact that Grandma hasn’t spoken in seven years, or moved in three, send her to the hospital anyway, because maybe this time the Fluorescent Light Therapy she gets in the ER will magically make her whole again.

And until we can convince Joe Sixpack, Suzy Soccermom and Tyrone Rockslinger that no, they in fact don’t need to go to the ED for their viral syndrome, and that no, they don’t need narcotic painkillers when Tylenol will do, and that no, the ambulance isn’t free, even if they never receive a bill, and that yes, Walgreen’s has the same home pregnancy tests that the ER does, at a tenth of the price, and that Grandma is suffering, and there is nothing that medical science can do but prolong her pain…

… then not a damned thing will change about the delivery of EMS in the United States. We first have to change the public’s expectation of health care, and that’s a task that will take generations to accomplish, if ever.

What we need is an army of guys like Chopper:

YouTube Preview Image

If people took his advice to heart, every EMS system in this entire country could deliver top-notch care with 1/5 of their current personnel, trucks and equipment. ED overcrowding would be a thing of the past. Health care costs would plummet, and the cost savings would be enough to drastically increase reimbursement to primary care physicians, enough so that accepting Medicare or Medicaid patients would no longer be a money-losing proposition.

Poof, there goes the problem of access to primary care.

But the problem is, America isn’t going to harden the fuck up, at least not until future generations are raised to expect less than their parents are getting now.

So until that day comes, I believe EMS 2.0 is going to involve not giving the public what they want, but what they need.

That means more EMTs, and less paramedics. As noble as the sentiment may be, every EMS call does not deserve a paramedic. In point of fact, not every EMS call even deserves a response, but we’ll leave that can of worms unopened until we can totally overhaul our tort system.

Educate the EMTs better, and train and equip the paramedics as exquisitely as you want. Use a third service, tiered response system, with the vast majority of care delivered by an extensive cadre of EMTs. Keep only a few paramedics on duty at any one time, and develop an effective medical priority dispatch system (not the current one), that assures that paramedics only get sent to paramedic level responses. In one fell swoop, gone is the paramedic shortage, and gone is the EMT glut.

Your EMTs become medical care providers they were trained to be, instead of ambulance drivers and stretcher fetchers, and your paramedics avoid the rust-out that inevitably follows skill dilution. Medical directors, with a much smaller cadre of ALS providers to oversee, feel more comfortable with expanded skill sets. Heck, maybe they’ll even, you know, provide some medical direction to the medics’ initial education programs.

Make the EMT not the entry-level EMS provider, but the default EMS provider. If a community wants the luxury of paramedics, then let them subsidize it with their tax dollars.

EMS systems become smaller, and leaner, but demonstrably more efficient. There will still be paramedics, only they’ll be a much better educated, more elite class of provider than the current version. And their reduction in numbers, and the cost savings from training and equipping less of them, will allow higher salaries for the ones that remain.

That’s EMS 2.0 as I see it.

Overheard On The ‘Bolance

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Ambulance Driver: “You da man, RP!”

Rookie Partner: “No, but I do drive him around in an ambulance all night.”

He is young, but wise beyond his tender years…

How Do You Like The New Digs?

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Many thanks to Eric Augustus of EMS Haiku for the spiffy new blog banner.

Should be adding the RSS feed and more of my reciprocal blogroll soon, so please be patient.

Regular posting to resume shortly! (more…)

Ambulance Driver’s Aimless Tweets

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  • 41 years old today, and I get to spend most of it in airports. Ugh, #
  • On the way to the airport, "Sweet Dreams" and "American Pie" were on the radio. Hope that's not an omen. #
  • testing #
  • No tweets for you! Mebbe you come back later, we have tweets for you then, eh? Perhaps when I'm not feeling like hammered shit… #
  • Dear asthma faker, how's it feel to method act your way right into carpopedal spasms? I give your performance 4 out of 5 stars! #
  • I don't know if the chick on the Facebook personals ad has Photoshopped boobs or implants… but either one is a triumph of technology. #

The Will To Live Is A Powerful Thing…

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… as is the will to die.

Once upon a time, years ago, I watched a man I knew die in his hospital bed, with his family by his side. He was a doctor I had known through the first years of my career, a kindly old country doc with a lifetime of caring for patients already behind him when I was first learning the art and craft of pre-hospital care.

In my early days as an EMT, I didn’t respect his knowledge much. It was clear to me, a young paramedic who knew everything, that medicine had passed him by years before he decided to quit practicing. He was old, and out of touch, and he was a danger to every patient he touched.

Or so I thought.

It took me a few years to realize that the old doctor knew more about the art of medicine than most of us will ever know, even as the science of medicine had passed him by. What he may not have known about the latest advances in trauma care, or cardiology, or infectious diseases, he more than made up for in his love of people… and that love was returned by uncounted patients over his fifty-year career.

He was a healer, in ways that board certification exams and CME seminars can never hope to quantify.

I took him to the hospital on the trip that would become his last, and during the trip he vacillated from suprising lucidity, quizzing me about his condition, to unconsciousness so deep that I feared he had died several times.

And in the hospital, his condition spiraled ever downwards, but he had his lucid moments until the end. Crusty old ER nurses I had known for years, nurses whom I’d have sworn had long since lost all capacity for love or empathy, filtered in and out of his room, each of them leaving in tears after saying their goodbyes.

In the final two days, his family kept a vigil at his bedside. And in his last hour, I had happened to drop off a patient in the ER, and I wandered onto the ward afterward to pay my respects. He lay there is his bed, impossibly frail and still, but his eyes still held life. He’d smile weakly at his wife and children, and then he’d drift off, his features growing slack and the cardiac monitor beeping ever more slowly, until the asystole alarm screeched for ten seconds, fifteen, twenty seconds…

… and then his heart would start beating again, and he’d take a ragged breath, and his eyes would open, and focus, and he’d turn his head towards his family and smile again.

And he did that, again and again, until his son, tears streaming from his eyes, bent down and whispered, “It’s okay, Pop. You can go now. We’ll all be okay.”

I had to leave the room then, because back then I still harbored the notion that nobody should ever see a paramedic’s tears. But I know how it ended, because as I walked down the hall and out the hospital’s rear doors, the asystole alarm continued screeching until a nurse quietly walked to his room, checked his pulse, and quietly walked back to the nurse’s station and turned off the telemetry monitor.

She joined me outside a moment later, let out a sigh and lit a cigarette. By unspoken accord, we didn’t look at each other’s faces in the dim light.

And it was clear to me then, as it is to me now, that Doc died at the moment he chose.

My friend Medic Matthew tells a similar story of a patient who also died when he chose.

Bring Kleenex.

The Unwilling High Fidelity Patient Simulator

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Here's the Perfect Household Accessory…

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… to demonstrate your liberal street cred. If commemorative plates, coins, tee shirts and bumper stickers just aren’t enough for you, I give you… the Obama toilet tank cover!
If you visit the guest bathroom of my former publisher, you will find a photo of John Kerry taped to the underside of his toilet lid.

Somehow, I don’t think the sentiment is the same…


Hat tip to William the Coroner.

Rogue Medic's Comment Section…

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… ain’t big enough for both me and Anonymous.

If you read Rogue Medic, you know that the term gadfly doesn’t quite do him justice. There is nothing he loves more than poking a sharp stick at those in EMS who would gladly accept the status quo, never questioning whether what we do is actually, you know, necessary or not.

And typically, he’ll anger someone with his advocacy for better medical control, or better pain management, or better EMS education, or less reliance on standardized certification exams, or better airway management, or less indiscriminate use of antiarrhythmics, or…

… ah, hell. Let’s just accept it as a given that, on any given day, Rogue Medic is gonna piss someone off about something. That’s what he does.

Not only that, but he’s funny lookin’, too. Kinda like Henry Rollins with a less-talented barber.

But just because the man says things that make many medics and medical directors uncomfortable doesn’t make them any less true. Case in point, an Anonymous (imagine that!) commenter opined in his post Teaching Airway – Part I:

“We get it, you don’t want a medic putting in a tube and your burnt out from the field and want to stop being a medic. So how about for the next 6 months I stop tubing my patients.”

No, you don’t get it, Sparky. You’ve missed the point entirely.

The man isn’t saying we shouldn’t be allowed to intubate patients when necessary.

He’s saying that it is often done unnecessarily, and as a profession, we have a responsibility to get better at it.

Rogue Medic does a credible job of fisking Mr. Anonymous’ comment in his subsequent post, so I won’t repeat it here except to add a few points of my own.

First of all, until paramedics define themselves by a unique body of knowledge rather than by a patch and a skill set, we’re not going to be taken seriously by other health care providers. That body of knowledge is going to require education far broader and deeper than most current EMS educational programs offer.

And the first growing pain in acquiring that body of knowledge is questioning much of the bullshit myth urban legend war stories dogma that currently passes for education in EMS.

Some of us are already there. Others, dinosaurs with one year of experience repeated twenty times, or rookies too ignorant to know that their penis size does not correspond to their willingness to perform an ALS procedure, resist any effort to apply the precepts of evidence-based medicine to EMS.

So allow me to add a few of my replies to Mr. (or Mrs.) Anonymous’ comment:

“We get it, you don’t want a medic putting in a tube and your burnt out from the field and want to stop being a medic.”

Leaving aside the truism that he who resorts to ad hominem attacks has already lost the intellectual argument, I’ll respond to that by saying I’ve met Rogue Medic, and known him for years. And while “pain in the ass” might accurately describe him much of the time, “burnt out and wants to stop being a medic” ain’t in his repertoire.

You’d do better to think of him as Don Quixote, tilting at windmills and speaking uncomfortable truths people such as yourself would rather not hear.

“The CHF patient that waited a little to long to call now frothing at the mouth, I’ll just have my BLS partner bag while I try to get a line in to start the 4 drugs I need to help them.”

There’s this thing called CPAP. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. It ain’t as sexy as a tube, but it’s a helluva lot easier, and better tolerated by the patient, in many cases. Ask the Anonymous Respiratory Therapist which patient will have the less stormy clinical course: the CHFer intubated in the field, or the one where the paramedics applied CPAP in a timely fashion.

And as far as drugs go, they’re overrated. The really important one – nitroglycerin – can be given transdermally or sublingually. ACE inhibitors may be helpful, but as far as Lasix and morphine are concerned, they’re not as effective as we once thought, and of minimal benefit in the prehospital realm. You’d serve the patient better by applying CPAP, aggressively administering nitro, and expediting transport.

You do know that upwards of 90% of the IVs we start in the field are never used for medications or fluids in the hospital, right? Most of my IVs are started to satisfy protocols or to stay on the good side of ER nurses. I’ll bet my last dollar the same is true in your system.

“When I finally get to transport I dump them in an ER where the resident pulls the King tube and gets to try a few times to put in the ETT before the attending finally steps in.”

Then educate the resident and the attending on how to use a bougie to transition from King to ET tube. That way, you never lose an airway. Or do you not know how? And while there are a few EMS systems (Boston EMS comes to mind) out there that have hard numbers to prove that they are as competent or more than the ED residents at intubation, usually the doc -even a resident – is a more skilled intubator than the medic.

The exception to that rule is any first-year resident you encounter in the month of July, or any time I am the medic in question. Because I am an airway samurai, baby. I can fall down a flight of stairs and intubate five people on the way down. Last shift, I was checking my laryngoscope and stumbled, accidentally intubating my partner.

Never run with an open laryngoscope, kiddies. That’s a helpful hint from your Uncle Ambulance Driver.*

“Oh, how about the anaphylactic patient that’s not responding to meds. We’ll just wait until we have to cric their neck, because we do that so often and that’s so much easier to practice.”

I teach an approach to airway management that is an interventional continuum. Go read it. And like any fluid continuum, there are red flag conditions that warrant skipping certain steps. The wise medic recognizes those instances.

Then again, the wise medic would also realize that Rogue Medic isn’t advocating doing away with intubation. And frankly, your assertion otherwise makes me think you’re not a very wise medic.

“You know why they are called alternative airways? They are used as a last ditch effort to get any air into the body. If they were truly adequate then you could admit the patient to ICU and never move it.”

Fact: The average ICU stay for an intubated CHF patient is 7-9 days, and that presumes they don’t get ventilator acquired pneumonia – something that happens to 25% of them. The Medicare DRG for CHF caps out at 5 days. The hospital eats the cost of those remaining 2-4 days. If the patient gets VAP, which CMS now considers a “never event” that they refuse to reimburse for, the cost of care skyrockets.

There is no way around it: intubated patients are huge money-losers for hospitals, and sliding that tube through the cords, while admittedly a huge adrenaline rush for the medic, often means a stormier clinical course for the aptient.

You CAN negatively impact patient outcome with a correctly
placed endotracheal tube. If you doubt that, hopefully some of the respiratory therapists and doctors that read this blog can convince you otherwise. I welcome their comments.

“At least we use capnography to confirm placement though most ED’s RN’s don’t even know what a proper waveform is. No waveform, then the tube is pulled, PERIOD.”

On that we agree, partly. EMS is way ahead of the curve on waveform capnography. We understand more about its effective use than just about anyone in the hospital, save the anesthesiologists. It is not, however, as you seem to be saying, foolproof.

“If want people to have 10 tubes before graduation and 2 a year in the field then fine but YOU are on a mission to stop a skill that has been used to save more people then will ever have showed up on any research report.”

He’s on no such mission, but your paramedical testosterone has blinded you to any other interpretation. And if you think 10 tubes before graduation and 2 tubes a year thereafter is anything close to what we need to maintain clinical competence, then you have no understanding whatsoever of how unskilled you actually are.

“When you can show me data that say medics are missing 25% I might start to agree that something might need to be done but every medic knows this skill.”

Dude, read the research. There are FAR more studies that show paramedics are deficient at intubation than there are that say they do it well – and many of those deficient systems are in major cities, not East Podunk, Idaho. Instead of sticking your fingers in your ears and commenting in a metaphorical “La la la la la, I can’t heeeear yoouuu…” why don’t you acknowledge the problem, and see how the rest of EMS can copy those systems that do it well? Because believe me, brother, they stand out like diamonds in a coal bin.

If your EMS system is that good at ETI, then browbeat your medical director into publishing a study, so that the rest of EMS can emulate what you’re doing. Until then, your electronic chest-thumping isn’t helping your cause.

“After all my rant answer me one yes or no question. Assuming the way medics are currently trained, do you think medics should intubate? Yes or No?”

You’re casting a pretty wide net, because clinical requirements vary so widely around the country, but I’ll use the minimums suggested in the 1998 Paramedic National Standard Curriculum: 5 successful attempts on live patients.

Keep in mind that a great many -probably a majority – of paramedic programs only require that minimum standard.

So yeah, if we can agree that 5 tubes prior to hitting the street is, to use your words, “the way most medics are currently trained,” do I think they should be allowed to intubate?

Fuck no.

Do you?


* The preceding paragraph was brought to you by my good friends arrogance and egotism. And all of you know that no post of mine would be complete without them.

Y'all Say Hello to Specs

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Over the course of the school year thus far, we’ve noticed Katy having a bit of a problem with her vision. Of course, it wasn’t unexpected. Preemies often have eyesight problems, and KatyBeth herself suffered from retinopathy of prematurity and had surgical correction of strabismus before she was two years old.

But lately, particularly late in the day when she’s doing her homework, we’ve noticed her squinting a lot, and having trouble focusing.

So Friday we visited the pediatric opthalmologist who performed her surgery, and she was diagnosed with presbyopia, mild astigmatism in her right eye, and still a touch of strabismus – all of which, thankfully, can be easily managed with corrective lenses.

We’d been preparing the munchkin that she may need glasses, so when the doctor told her she’d be getting a pair of specs so she could do better with her schoolwork, she replied, “Yeah, and Daddy says I’ll be able to see targets better, too!”

He gave an amused chuckle and asked, “Does your Daddy let you shoot a BB gun, sweetie?”

To which she replied, matter-of-factly, “Nah, I have a pink Cricket .22, and Daddy lets me shoot his pistol and his .17 HMR, but he says when I get bigger I can get an AR 15!”

That last sentence, of course, delivered with all the hushed gravitas of a pre-teen solemnly informing her schoolmates that she had gotten backstage passes for the Hannah Montana concert: “Back. Stage. PASSES. Y’all.”

So yesterday we picked up her new “specs,” as she calls them, and she has been proudly sporting them around all day. And I can say, without a touch of bias, that my kid rocks a pair of spectacles like nobody’s business:


And she had a dandy time riding the Ferris Wheel at the fair yesterday, too.

Hey Blogspot! WTF?

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Or maybe it’s a Firefox thing.

Something has happened to my Blogger/Firefox interface. Instead of my familiar old user panel, it just shows up as a left-margin menu list!

Anyone else experiencing this, and any suggestions on how to fix it?

Update on Bayou Renaissance Man

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KatyBeth and I saw Peter this afternoon, and he’s looking good. He’s short one greater saphenous vein and sporting four new coronary arteries and a row of shiny new staples, but still… looking good.

After surviving war, Apartheid, and tribal conflicts in South Africa, not to mention the Louisiana prison system, I should have known he’d make Mr. Myocardial Infarction his bitch.

The nurses have him up and walking around, and last I saw of him he was strolling gingerly through the telemetry ward, with his Foley catheter bag hanging from one arm like a purse. I’d like to report that he was proudly strutting around with his ass hanging out of his gown, but the nurses did insist that he put on another johnny to cover his backside.

This is a cardiac ward, after all, and the female patients cannot be expected to handle the palpitations induced by such a sight.

Idle observations from the afternoon:

1. Salisbury steak from the hospital cafeteria and Betadine scrub pads look remarkably similar. And probably taste similar, too.

2. Apparently my fellow Borg drones from Central Hive did a good job of recognizing his impending infarction, intervening quickly, and getting him to the cath lab in short order.

3. Telemetry nurses will give you dirty looks if you remove a patient’s oxygen cannula, even if they had a good oxygen saturation and you assure them you’ll put it back after you finish shaving him.

4. Those funny facial contortions men make when they’re shaving their faces? Apparently they’re hardwired behavior, because I make them even when it’s not my face I’m shaving.

5. Seeing a guy make such facial contortions threatens to make the cardiac patient laugh hard enough to pop a staple, thus negating the simple pleasure of a fresh shave. I’ll have to make a note of that.

While I was there, his landlord dropped off his laptop, so hopefully we’ll see a resumption of blogging from The Man himself in short order.

Okay, That Is Just Too Cool!

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If you’re a medical type, Adam Thompson has a nifty post on lung recruitment and PEEP over on Paramedicine 101, with the coolest visual aids evar.

I LOL'ed

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Divemedic wrote in the comments on KatyBeth’s Halloween costume post:

Thigh high boots, pig tail wig, dog collar, lab coat. All in Size 8 toddler?

Don’t you think that a shopping list like that gets your name on a special list or something?

Yeah, that would raise a few eyebrows!

Okay, One More Review of Trauma

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YouTube Preview Image

This one was just too good to pass up.

Found on EMT City.

For You Insomniacs Direly In Need of a Sleep Aid…

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… there’s some pompous ass blathering about a book he wrote on Everyday EMS Tips.

Reason #6,781 My Kid Rocks

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I was informed yesterday by Her Majesty, KatyBeth, Wielder of the Pink Rifle, that her preferred Halloween costume is not Hannah Montana, not one of the Disney Princesses, and not a Powerpuff Girl.

Nosirree Bob, my kid wants to be Abby for Halloween.

Her Mom will take care of the Goth makeup and the (temporary) spiderweb neck tattoo, while I gotta find a lab coat in size 8 toddler, knee-high boots, a black pigtail wig, and a humongous Big Gulp cup.

Oh yeah, and teach her how to pronounce words like gas chromatography- mass spectrometry and forensic odontology.

This oughta be fun.

Calling All Photoshop Gurus

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Or is that guruvium?

The new blog goes active in a few days, and it’s liable to look a little wonky for a while until I can move my blog roll and various widgets over and fiddle with the theme and colors…

… but what I find myself in serious need of is a new header image. Snarky did the current one, and it’s great, but I’m hankering for one that incorporates some of my most common themes, namely EMS, guns, retrievers, hunting and KatyBeth.

So if any of you guys have mad Photoshop and graphic design skillz and are willing to help a brutha out (read: free or very cheap), drop me an e-mail.