Allow me to outline the officially sanctioned, AHA-approved steps of layperson CPR:
1. Determine unresponsiveness. In CPR class, this is done by shaking the manikin and saying “Annie, Annie, are you okay?”
In real life, this is done by shaking the sleeping slug of a husbandly unit in question and screeching, “Bob, git yer lazy ass outta bed! Uh… Bob? Bob?! BOB!!!”
2. Activate the emergency response system. This is done by calling 911, or if you’re in the UK, 999.*
3. Look, listen and feel for breathing, and look for signs of circulation. This is done by putting your ear to the victim’s mouth, listening for airflow and feeling for said airflow on the cheek.
Simultaneously, one looks toward the feet, observing for chest rise and signs of circulation, such as coughing or spontaneous movement.
Or, in the case of Bob the late sleeper, morning wood.
4. If no breathing or spontaneous movement, forcefully rip open his pajama top and apply the heel of one hand to his breast bone, right between the nipples. Place the heel of your other hand on top, and rhythmically compress the chest, approximately two inches deep, at a rate of 100 compressions per minute. Softly humming Staying Alive to yourself while doing this greatly aids in maintaining the proper rate and rhythm.
5. Continue Step 4 until help arrives.
Granted, this method of determining lifelessness is somewhat crude, and mistakes do occur. These mistakes are easily rectified by stopping chest compressions if the patient tries to push your hands away while grunting, “Je-sus-Christ-what-are-you-do-ing-you-are-kill-ing-me…”
If Bob is stiff, excluding the aforementioned morning wood, don’t even bother. He is too far gone to resuscitate.
If morning wood is the only stiffness present, might I suggest that there are quicker, more pleasant ways of awakening Bob and getting him out of bed? And in a damned fine mood, no less!
*You will note that Step 2 does not include the instructions, “Boot up computer. Log onto internet. Open Google in your web browser…”
