Skip to content

Hospital Food: The Stuff That Makes MREs Look Tasty

View Comments


After my first session of CPR class ended, I followed the scent of scorched semi-edible meat byproducts to PGHNSTRACH’s kitchen, whereupon I procured a styrofoam box of meat-flavored protein patty and assorted unidentified plant substitutes.

I hied forth to my classroom to choke down feast upon my noonday sustenance, when upon opening the box, I was immediately struck by the following observations:

1. “What, no ham slice and macaroni? On every day that ends in “y”, we usually get mac’n cheese with a ham slice.”

2. “Who ever heard of a chicken-fried steak served over jambalaya? Moreover, where is the gravy for my chicken-fried steak?”

3. “Ah, here’s the gravy…WTF? Brown gravy with chicken-fried steak? Philistines.“

4. “Gee, this gravy looks kinda congealed. Whatever. Spread it on the steak and nuke it for 30 seconds, and we’re golden.”

Folks, the only thing nastier than chocolate pudding on a chicken-fried steak is hot, bubbling chocolate pudding on a chicken-fried steak.

Posted by Ambulance Driver on April 16, 2009 • Filed under: Uncategorized

View Comments

  1. Chris says

    Whoops!

    In a Scout cooking competition, I once sprinkled instant mash onto cake believing that I was dusting it with custard powder (werd in itself, but we didn’t have time to make the custard, and had to use all the ingredients)

    on April 16, 2009 @ 5:50 pm.
  2. HollyB says

    Chocolate Pudding on a CFS? The Humanitee?

    on April 16, 2009 @ 6:13 pm.
  3. Lorraine says

    Personally, I think the pudding would make the chicken-fried steak better. lol Thanks for the laugh!

    on April 16, 2009 @ 7:23 pm.
  4. rayanne says

    So, people really eat Chicken Fried Steak? I thought it was a myth of the south.

    on April 16, 2009 @ 7:57 pm.
  5. Rick R. says

    Just do what we did in the Army — sprinkle Tabasco over everything and call it good.

    on April 16, 2009 @ 8:02 pm.
  6. mostly cajun says

    That’s as good as the G/F mistaking those neat little rings of calamari for onion rings…

    MC

    on April 16, 2009 @ 9:47 pm.
  7. Farmmom says

    Its alright AD I promise when you show up in Colorado I will make you a good chicken fried steak with cream gravy and fried taters. I might even throw in a piece of apple pie if your a good boy.

    on April 16, 2009 @ 10:19 pm.
  8. Hammer says

    Cream gravy with lots of pepper on the Chicken fried steak..served with biscuits and green beans.

    Damn..now I’m hungry.

    on April 16, 2009 @ 11:08 pm.
  9. Heath says

    Chicken fried steak slathered with gravy is food of the gods. Add homefries and eggs, and it’s unbeatable..

    Aint no other breakfast gauren-damn-teed to get you through a day of bailing straw in the heat with either light or no lunch.

    on April 17, 2009 @ 12:59 am.
  10. The Happy Medic says

    I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. That is horrid!

    on April 17, 2009 @ 2:01 am.
  11. Bob@thenest says

    Opelousas General used to have such good food I’d slide over there when visiting my mother just to eat there, INCLUDING when she was not in the hospital. The single best exception to the hospital food stereotype I know of.

    on April 17, 2009 @ 2:31 am.
  12. Old NFO says

    oops… :-)

    on April 17, 2009 @ 4:31 am.
  13. Cybrludite says

    Heh. Reminds me of the book “Eat What You Want And Die Like A Man”. Steve’ recipe for Chicken Fried Steak uses thin ribeyes in place of the horse scalp normally used.

    on April 17, 2009 @ 5:16 am.
  14. Janean says

    OH GROOOSSSSS!!

    on April 17, 2009 @ 6:14 am.
  15. Vetnurse says

    Sounds like my cooking efforts, gross and almost inedible.

    on April 17, 2009 @ 6:48 am.
  16. Ross says

    Thanks for the early morning gigglesnort, AD!

    Although… it occurs to me that that steak at the Hilltop could only have been improved by chocolate pudding.

    And a heaping helping of smadocas (word virification), whatever that is. ;-)

    on April 17, 2009 @ 11:39 am.
  17. 40lizard says

    There’s nothing like a good chicken fried steak with tons of cream gravy! And woe to the one who ruins it!

    And for those of you who think this is gross- you just haven’t had one cooked and served properly! Because you just haven’t lived until you’ve had a good chicken fried steak!

    on April 17, 2009 @ 1:09 pm.
  18. Ambulance Mommy says

    ugh, my stomach just turned….

    pardon my ignorance, but what exactly is chicken fried steak? is it chicken or steak? or neither?

    on April 17, 2009 @ 1:26 pm.
  19. Sara says

    UMMMM, chocolate gravy……..

    on April 17, 2009 @ 1:31 pm.
  20. Kathy says

    I agree with 40Lizard…those of you who are gagging must not live in the south!! Chicken Fried Steak is a staple south of the Mason-Dixon line! It is a round steak that is battered and fried and usually served with white gravy and mashed potatoes or other vegatables. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

    on April 17, 2009 @ 2:10 pm.
  21. Sheri says

    OMG! Must remember that!

    on April 17, 2009 @ 4:13 pm.
  22. 40lizard says

    Thank you Kathy for explaining what chicken fried steak is for me! I think I’ll have to go make some- I’ve been drooling ever since I read AD’s post!

    on April 17, 2009 @ 4:15 pm.
  23. Ambulance Mommy says

    ok, i agree…that does sound good. minus the chocolate pudding though :)

    on April 17, 2009 @ 4:40 pm.
  24. The Bus Driver says

    omg i’m laughing so hard i cant breathe!!!

    you didnt think to smell or taste it before you slathered it on?!?!?! lmao!!!

    on April 17, 2009 @ 8:47 pm.
  25. DJMooreTX says

    I’ve seen congealed brown gravy, and I’ve seen chocolate pudding, and AD, if it was possible for you to confuzzle the two, the pudding had to be as artificial as the gravy would have been.

    Or you had to be scrupulously not paying attention, an impulse I completely understand when faced with most institutional food.

    Thanks for the laugh!

    on April 17, 2009 @ 10:15 pm.
  26. *~*Nicole*~* says

    Ambulance Mommy’s first comment made me think of the famous Jessica Simpson line “Is this chicken? Or tuna?” LMAO

    on April 18, 2009 @ 3:01 am.
  27. OrangeNeckInNY says

    Mmmmm…chicken fried steak with creamy gravy… *drool*.

    on April 18, 2009 @ 5:41 am.
  28. RevMedic says

    I just did a transport yesterday to one of the out-of-the-way, country hospitals. The E.D. staff gave us each a $7 voucher for their cafeteria.
    That was the best stir-fry I’ve ever had!
    Gonna have to talk more patients into being transported there…

    on April 18, 2009 @ 6:43 pm.
  29. Kath says

    Uh-oh. I’m in love — no, I’m in infatuation. How’s that?

    Honestly can’t even say how, but I found your blog early this morning and have been reading off and on today (yeah, ok, so I’m supposed to be working, I am — kinda!).

    So thanks for letting me spend the day. And I see you have many, many fans here — and may I say, all of it seems quite justified!!

    Thanks!
    Kath

    on April 18, 2009 @ 10:17 pm.
  30. Christina LMT says

    Well, you know what they say happens when you assume, right?

    TASTE TEST NEXT TIME!

    on April 19, 2009 @ 1:37 am.
  31. The British Bird. says

    I was i hospital prior to having my second child, and I actually LOST weight. The food was so terrible.

    on April 19, 2009 @ 11:36 am.
  32. markm says

    Kathy: “Round steak”? It’s always been hamburger under the breading. Even if it’s “ground round”, it’s still hamburger with extra fat captured in the breading. Add gravy and it was too much grease for my digestion even when I was doing farm work and could eat 5,000 calories a day without gaining weight.

    Bob: The Spectrum hospital cafeteria on Michigan Street in Grand Rapids, MI isn’t good enough to drive across town for – particularly with the parking rates – but it sure beats the McDonalds across the street.

    on April 19, 2009 @ 7:07 pm.
  33. Sigivald says

    MREs… <>are<> tasty.

    40lizard: See < HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN9oXseHSqw" REL="nofollow">here<>.

    on April 21, 2009 @ 9:36 pm.
  34. BadTux says

    I made the mistake of reading this story while eating. I literally snorted ramen noodles out of my nose.

    on April 22, 2009 @ 6:03 am.
  35. Phil says

    So, what has the chicken got to do with anything? Or is the chicken the cook?

    on April 23, 2009 @ 7:12 pm.
  36. BadTux says

    The “chicken-fried” refers to the batter in which the “steak” is fried, Phil. It’s the same kind of batter as is used to fry chicken. Remember, in the South, if it ain’t fried, it ain’t food :-) .

    - Badtux the Southern Penguin

    on April 23, 2009 @ 7:17 pm.

Some HTML is OK

or, reply to this post via trackback.

blog comments powered by Disqus