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Once Upon A Time…

18 comments


…there was a little Mormon boy who was curious about the opposite sex…


Well, I can tell you what happens when you finger a mob boss.

Said mob boss puts a contract on your head, and you wind up in the federal witness protection program, with a new name and identity, probably bagging groceries at the Piggly Wiggly in downtown Toad Suck, Arkansas.

And every waking moment of every day for the rest of your life, you’ll look over your shoulder in fear every time you hear something that sounds like your old name, you’ll hit the ground every time a car backfires, and you’ll break into a cold sweat every time you start your own car.

Which, come to think of it, is pretty much what you can look forward to if the daddy of the girl in question ever finds out.

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Posted by on January 10, 2009 • Filed under: Uncategorized
  • Anonymous

    There really is a Toad Suck, Arkansas. But I’m sure you already knew that. :) Margie

  • Anonymous

    There really is a Toad Suck, Arkansas. But I’m sure you already knew that. :) Margie

  • the planet of janet

    you really should warn a person about embiggening those things.you get <>all<> the cool hits.

  • the planet of janet

    the cool hits.

  • Gator

    Reminds me of a real-life story here.Not long ago, a kid my daughter was starting to get serious with came to the house. I went and got my tape measure and measured him from head to toe and across the shoulders.My daughter asked “Dad, what are you doing?” I replied that I just need to know how big to dig the hole if he does something I don’t approve of.A few days later, he looks out in the back yard where we had started digging a fish pond.“What’s the hole for?”

  • Gator

    Reminds me of a real-life story here.Not long ago, a kid my daughter was starting to get serious with came to the house. I went and got my tape measure and measured him from head to toe and across the shoulders.My daughter asked “Dad, what are you doing?” I replied that I just need to know how big to dig the hole if he does something I don’t approve of.A few days later, he looks out in the back yard where we had started digging a fish pond.”What’s the hole for?”

  • Cher

    Funny….I’m bout ready to start building that windowless tower for my baby girl who just turned 8!seriously….the boys are calling my phone already….and trying to pay her to kiss them….HOWEVER, best defense is a good offense, and my girl can kick the tar outa anybody shorter than 5 foot….plus she’s smarter than most adults, and lacks any natural boundaries….I feel bad for the boy who decides to mess with my baby…mormon boys….*sigh* those were the days….

  • Cher

    Funny….I’m bout ready to start building that windowless tower for my baby girl who just turned 8!seriously….the boys are calling my phone already….and trying to pay her to kiss them….HOWEVER, best defense is a good offense, and my girl can kick the tar outa anybody shorter than 5 foot….plus she’s smarter than most adults, and lacks any natural boundaries….I feel bad for the boy who decides to mess with my baby…mormon boys….*sigh* those were the days….

  • TOTWTYTR

    The mob might stop looking for you some day, the father won’t.

  • TOTWTYTR

    The mob might stop looking for you some day, the father won’t.

  • Amy

    Unfortunately, there is no Piggly Wiggly in Toad Suck. Just a church, a convenience store and a state park….at least the last time I was there.

  • Amy

    Unfortunately, there is no Piggly Wiggly in Toad Suck. Just a church, a convenience store and a state park….at least the last time I was there.

  • Amanda B

    I need the plans for that tower when you’re done; my six year old has someone claiming her hand in marriage. That and how deep do we bury ‘em so the critters don’t dig ‘em up.

  • Amanda B

    I need the plans for that tower when you’re done; my six year old has someone claiming her hand in marriage. That and how deep do we bury ‘em so the critters don’t dig ‘em up.

  • Kate

    I still shudder when I think of my first official date in high school…he was a junior and the captain of the football team (dreamy, right) and I was the artsy/drama-geek/swimmer girl that still looked more like a tomboy than someone Hot Football Player would want to date. He comes to my house to pick me up…meets my parents, shakes their hands…we walk towards the door to leave and my father stops him.“I have a shotgun and a shovel. No one will miss you,” he whispers into his ear.My jaw hits the floor and I consider dying of embarassment – but not until we get out to the car and my mother screams out the door:“JUST BECAUSE HE PAYS DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO PUT OUT!!”Needless to say, we only had the one date.

  • Kate

    I still shudder when I think of my first official date in high school…he was a junior and the captain of the football team (dreamy, right) and I was the artsy/drama-geek/swimmer girl that still looked more like a tomboy than someone Hot Football Player would want to date. He comes to my house to pick me up…meets my parents, shakes their hands…we walk towards the door to leave and my father stops him.”I have a shotgun and a shovel. No one will miss you,” he whispers into his ear.My jaw hits the floor and I consider dying of embarassment – but not until we get out to the car and my mother screams out the door:”JUST BECAUSE HE PAYS DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO PUT OUT!!”Needless to say, we only had the one date.

  • bknapp

    A.D.,As a Diver / EMT / Swiftwater Tech who’s jurisdiction covers Toad Suck, I can assure you that there is not, in fact, a Piggly Wiggly there. In fact, Toad Suck is a park on the banks of the Arkansas River (as well as a square and festival in Downtown Conway, AR [http://www.toadsuck.org]). And stupid people seem to think that all the signs in said park that say “DO NOT SWIM. DANGEROUS CURRENTS.” are there for decoration, and not as any kind of warning.But I digress. Might I suggest, as an alternative, Booger Hollow, Arkansas?

  • bknapp

    A.D.,As a Diver / EMT / Swiftwater Tech who’s jurisdiction covers Toad Suck, I can assure you that there is not, in fact, a Piggly Wiggly there. In fact, Toad Suck is a park on the banks of the Arkansas River (as well as a square and festival in Downtown Conway, AR [http://www.toadsuck.org]). And stupid people seem to think that all the signs in said park that say “DO NOT SWIM. DANGEROUS CURRENTS.” are there for decoration, and not as any kind of warning.But I digress. Might I suggest, as an alternative, Booger Hollow, Arkansas?

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