My Own Little Digital Recorder

Ambulance Driver: “…and the Big Bad Wolf huffed and he puffed, and then he huffed and puffed some more, but try as he might, he’s just couldn’t blow that brick house down.”

KatyBeth: “So then what happened, Daddy?”

Shit. What did happen after the Big Bad Wolf discovered the structural integrity of bricks and mortar?

Ambulance Driver: “Well, uh…that’s the end of the story, honey.”

KatyBeth: “No, Daddy. There’s more.“

Ambulance Driver: “Well, uh…the Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed so much that he hyperventilated and fell out on the front lawn with carpopedal spasms and the Three Little Pigs called the fuzz and had him carted off to jail for trespassing.”

KatyBeth: “Aw Daddy, that’s not it! I wanna hear Goldilocks!”

Ambulance Driver: (sighing) “Okay, but that’s the last story, and then we turn off the lights and go to sleep. Once upon a time there was a girl named Goldilocks, who had blonde hair much like KatyBeth, only not nearly as pretty…”

KatyBeth: (a few minutes later) “And then what happened, Daddy?”

Ambulance Driver: “Well, Goldilocks was so frightened when she saw the three bears that she ran away and never ventured into the woods again.”

KatyBeth: “Then what happened?”

Ambulance Driver: “Well, Papa Bear was pissed, as you can imagine. So he called the fuzz and filed a complaint. Later, based on his description, they rounded up the usual suspects. At first, Little Red Riding Hood looked good for it, but she had an ironclad alibi from the woodsman, who placed her in Granny’s cabin running from the Big Bad Wolf at the time the break-in occurred. So finally, they haul in Goldilocks on an unrelated traffic stop, and DNA from a cheek swab matched the DNA they found in the saliva on Baby Bear’s spoon.

When they confronted Goldilocks with the evidence, she folded like a cheap suit. She did a stretch in juvie for felony B&E and was forced to make restitution for the broken chair. Soon after being released, they nabbed her driving the getaway car for Hansel and Gretel, who had in their possession a load of jewels from the gingerbread house. The cops found a very dead witch there in the oven, with Hansel’s fingerprints all over the handle. The jury didn’t buy Hansel’s self defense story, so Goldilocks was tried and convicted as an adult for Accessory to Murder and got sentenced to life in prison. Currently, she’s in the Louisiana Correctional Facility for Women in St. Gabriel, where she is the unhappy cell mate of a very large and butch woman named Big Ethel. Now quit stalling and go to sleep.”

I used to think things like that flew right over a tired four-year-old’s head, until I watched her last night playing with her dolls:

KatyBeth: “Barbie, are you sick?”

Barbie: “I feel vewwy bad. I need an ambuwance.”

KatyBeth: “That’s okay, I’m a pawamedic. I’ll take care of you!”

Barbie: “I’m too sick to move.”

KatyBeth: (sternly) “Everybody has at weast one good walk weft in them, Barbie. Now get your butt in the twuck.”

*sigh* While I work on her patient rapport skills, I’m really going to have to watch what I say in front of her.