Shit Magnet

Laid Back Male Nurse: (looking at the security camera displays) “Am I hallucinating, or did the cops just carry Terry Funk through our door, buck naked and hogtied?”

Ambulance Driver: (without looking up from my book) “Probably hallucinating. Folks say ‘it could never happen to me’…until it happens to them. My advice is to walk down the hall to the psych ward and get some of the good drugs.”

LBMN: (getting up from his chair) “No shit, really! They’re bringing Terry Funk into our ER!”

AD: (still reading) “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did someone paint ‘stoopid‘ across my forehead this morning while I was sleeping? Why in the hell would the cops be bringing a famous wrestler into Podunk GenerHoly Shit!!! That’s Terry Funk!!

Burly Sheriff’s Deputy: (unceremoniously dumping patient onto the bed) “Who?”

LBMN: “Terry Funk!”

Equally Burly Bald Sheriff’s Deputy (hereinafter referred to as Mister Clean for brevity’s sake) : “Uh, this guy’s name is Tony XXXXX (hereinafter referred to as Waste of Protoplasm because it fits).”

WOP: Arrrgggghhhh! Oooollla booolllaaa booopity booollaaaa!!! Argh! Boopity. Grrrrrr.”

AD: (speaking to any of the deputies) “Are you sure?”

Humorless Shift Sergeant: “Yeah, we’re sure.”

WOP: (bucking like a mustang and wearing bloody divots into his ankles from the cuffs) Wooop wooop wooop wooop booopity arrrrgh!”

LBMN: (kneeling next to the ER stretcher attaching leather restraints to the bed frame) “Does he know that he’s a twin, separated at birth from Terry Funk? Because you know, that might be what fuels his rage and bitterness and leads him to a life of crime and substance abuse and all…”

Very Large and Somewhat Slow-Thinking Deputy (hereinafter referred to as Mongo for brevity’s sake) : “Huh?”

Wise Beyond His Years Very Cool ER Doc (hereinafter referred to as Cynical Doogie Howser for brevity’s sake and well, because it fits) : “So what’s all the commotion going in – hey, cool! Terry Funk!”

Mr. Clean: (sweating and struggling with WOP) “Uh, can we stop the Name Game and get him restrained, please?”

AD: “Oh. Yeah, sure. My bad. Let me get theses restraints on his ankles and then we can get his arms. It’s just that he looks so much like Terry Funk…”

Cynical Doogie: (speaking to Mongo) “That’s not really Terry Funk?”

Mongo: (shrugging) “Mongo just pawn in game of life.”

WOP: Arrrrrrrggggghhhhh! Wooop wooop woooop grrrrrrr aaaaarrOOOOOga!”

LBMN: “Does anyone know what he took?”

Cynical Doogie: “Just as importantly, why is he naked and babbling in italics?”

AD: “Because I don’t speak fluent methamphetamine and PCP, and this is the best literary device I could think of to adequately portray a grown man growling like the Incredible Hulk and hooting like Curly from the Three Stooges.”

Cynical Doogie: “Oh.”

Mongo: “WOP naked because of Curly from Three Stooges? Mongo confused.”

LBMN: (condescendingly) “Noooo, WOP naked because of excited delirium. Bad drugs make WOP feel very hot, so WOP strip buck nekkid and – shit! Why am I speaking without modifiers all of a sudden?”

Humorless Shift Sergeant: (yelling) Can we just get this fucking guy restrained and knock out all the chit-chat? I got shit to do!”

Burly Deputy: (removing handcuffs and handing them to HSS) “Sorry Sarge. Here’s your cuffs back.”

Cynical Doogie: (watching HSS walk away in a huff) “What’s up his ass?”

Mr. Clean: “He ain’t gettin‘ laid at home.”

Mongo: “Sarge have something in ass? When this happen?”

WOP: Wooooop woooop grrrrrrrr Hillary Clinton is sexy arrrrrgggggghhhh!”

Everyone: (in unison) “Damn. He’s even more fucked up than we thought.”

WOP: (horking up a big one) Ssssssskknnnnnxxxxxxxssschhhnork!”


Deputies: (stampeding for the door like a herd of wildebeests who have just discovered a lioness in their midst) “Gee, look at the time! Gotta go!”

ER Staff: (calling to their retreating backs) “Pussies!”

LBMN: “So what do we want to do with this guy?”

AD: “Doc, how about a B52 and a punitive Foley catheter?”

Cynical Doogie: (musing) “Sounds good, only add a Bird Flu. Order the usual labs, but put a rush on the urine drug screen.”

LBMN: “B52? Bird Flu?”

AD: “B-5-2. Benadryl 50 milligrams, Haldol 5 milligrams, and Ativan 2 milligrams.”

LBMN: “Oh. So what’s a Bird Flu?”

AD: (before Cynical Doogie can answer) “Lemme guess…bird flu is the H5N1 strain…so does that mean an extra five of Haldol?”

Cynical Doogie: “You have become wise, Grasshopper.”

WOP: (feeling ignored and neglected) Arrrrgggghhhh? Boopity boop?”

LBMN: (shouting over his shoulder) “Shut up in there! Can’t you see we’re playing ER Slang Trivia?”

WOP: “Hillary Clinton is sexy! Hillary Clinton is sexy! Hillary Clinton is sexy! Hiilllaaarreee!”

Cynical Doogie: “Sweet mercy, get him sedated now. I can’t take much more of that.”

***thirty minutes later***

Cynical Doogie: “Is that the urine drug screen?”

AD: “Yep. Positive for amphetamines, methamphetamine, cannabis, cocaine, PCP, opiates and benzodiazepines.”

LBMN: “Damn. Anything not in his system?”

AD: “Well, no tricyclic antidepressants found…”

Cynical Doogie: “Not surprising. He’s hardly the depressed housewife type. Say, weren’t you supposed to get off work thirty minutes ago?”

AD: “I blame it on LBMN. Every damned time I work with him, we get crap like this an hour before I get off. Drunks, overdoses and psych patients. I’ve lavaged and restrained more patients in the past week with him than I have in the past four months. He’s a fucking shit magnet.”

LBMN: (watching WOP snoring peacefully on the video monitor) “Awwwwww. They look so cute and peaceful when they’re sleeping – what? Who’s a shit magnet?”

AD:You are. You show none of the symptoms of psychosis, but you’re definitely a carrier.”

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